Sunday, May 11

the question...

Well, I didn't mean to get morose with that last post. I don't think many people enjoy vulnerability, its certainly not a comfortable spot for me to be in. But I find these things can be relentless. Start running, and refuse to turn in...and you'll be running forever. If not running then numbing, pick your poison. Alcohol, Drugs, education, advancement, money, things. Allow something (or all the things) to become such a focal point that all else fades away, even the demons. Seems like a great plan. Except it is the opposite of my plan. I want to turn in, (sometimes I run for a bit) I want to face it, because it is never as scary as it seems. And once faced, moving through it is ...well....its less than facing it.  Of course I forget all of this and push back and turn and do my own little coping dance...but there is a point, before the glass of wine, before I pull in the external distractions that I recognise my own dance, and then I turn in.

This was me turning in. So I determine my self worth based on having someone depend on me. I feel like I need to be needed to count. I don't think I'm the first to adopt that thought process, and I doubt I'll be the last. Now that the 'hard' work is done the question sits:

 what do i want to do about it?

Friday, May 9

**edited: So sorry I was in a rush and didn't site where these lovely motivating words came from The blue passage below was part of an email I recieved from The Brave Girls Club. **

So many times we know the right things to do, the right things to say, the better ways to respond, the best ways to go; yet we keep doing the opposite things. This then starts a cycle of shame, and makes all of the things that we wanted LESS of in our lives somehow grow even BIGGER.

What if we were to sit with our fears or the things we detest or the things we keep procrastinating or the things we wish we could change about ourselves. What if instead of wasting so much time RUNNING from those things, hiding from those things and feeling ashamed of those things. What if we sat with those things and really listened to what they had to say to us?

There are experiences, situations, weaknesses and frailties that are huge parts of our personal story. Sometimes we don't give those things a chance to write their chapter in our book of life because we are working so hard on erasing those chapters. Sometimes in order to help the chapter END, we have to sit with it and listen to it -- let it tell it's story. Then, when it's done saying all it has to say, it doesn't follow us around so much trying to take over our lives. It has finally been heard.

Perhaps this weekend, dear girl, it would be a good time to lend an ear to some of the craziness that keeps showing back up in your life. Get a journal and sit down and ask it what it wants you to know. Write and write and write. Your story is an amazing, heroic story, one that deserves to be told, especially to your OWN self. Be the heroine of your story and be your story's greatest fan, too. It will change your life, lovely friend.

You are beautiful and the world would not be the same without you.

You are LOVED.

Ok. then

Here is what I'm running from. Its not new. I'm trying to erase the feelings of uselessness of unimportance that surface when I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding. I dress it nicely by saying...i felt so 'fulfilled' when i was doing that...sometimes I'll even use 'soul work'. There are grains of truth in those words but underlying those things is a deep fear that I'm not longer needed, no longer relevant. Because 'for the first year' sometimes means 'while I was breastfeeding' and I'm needed because ... they are my boobs. The fact that formula is an option, or that other people are also breastfeeding doesn't enter my realm.

But now? Now they are all One. And I'm faced with the fact that they don't' need me. They need a chauffeur, a maid a short order cook, they need lots of things, things that I can (and do) do. But things I know other people can do. No, it wouldn't be the same and maybe my parenting style or personality is well suited to parent these children. But at the end of the day...I am faced with the fact (one that was always true) that they love me and want me, but they most certainly don't need me.  Which rationally speaking is awesome. But emotionally it opens this raw space that says ... nobody needs me anymore.

And sitting with that, is uncomfortable for me. Good. because sitting with it will allow me to breath into it, and learn from it. It will make me healthier and more balanced in the long run. But since it has been surfacing on its own, and the above message prompted me...I guess now is the time to sit with it.

-ahh...chauffeur duty calls. Time to get Jasper from preschool and drop off Timbits for the birthday boy.

Wednesday, May 7

Can't stop me now...

I'm a little listless tonight. Wish there was some tv on to distract me.
I've been playing with wire. Rings, and Letters and pendants. I really love it. I'm fairly good at it, I can complete a (small) project fairly quickly, and its all just sitting there, waiting to be bend into something else. An entire spool of potential. The only drawback is that I don't want to make stuff just to sit here. If it has a home, somewhere to get it out of my house. I'd feel even better. But as it stands I'm enjoying myself and people like them! Weird! So if you have any wire projects...I'd even try barbed wire...let me know, Please!

Monday, April 28

Crafty, see

Considering I went from zero to this, i'm quite pleased with myself. But mostly it's a lot of fun, and a moment to focus on one task, one item.... And then have something to show for it. :)

Saturday, April 26

Of Facebook and Crafts

I'm off Facebook. No grand declarations of permanency or timelines. Just had enough. The measles/ vaccine thing is eating at me. Its everywhere, all the time. Plus I've been using it as a crutch, a contact with the outside world, a distraction from that chaos that tends to circle me. I respect that it was helping for a time, and man I've met some extraordinary people on Facebook. But I wasn't handling it well. Checking, checking, checking. Way more than i care to admit or even really acknowledge. Yesterday after the fifth vaccine debate erupted in two days. I deleted the app from my phone.

Holy Hell, all day yesterday I'd pick up my check Facebook. Then realise what i was doing, and put it back down. Sometimes not finding the icon on my main page is what woke me up. I'm thrilled to say today is much better. I feel much more peaceful. While i catch myself wondering if i have any messages or if anything terribly exciting happens I also realised I don't really care about most of those people. I wish them well, and hope they are happy. But if I haven't talked to you in 15 years, I guess I don't really care what your kids birthday cake looked like.

I'm going back on tonight, to get some emails from people I do want to stay in touch with and to write down some events I want to go to, and edit some that I'm hosting. But until I can be sure that it won't consume me again, I'm off.

Also: i'm a pretty sensitive person having those rescue dogs, or pedophile alert messages doesn't do me any good. Information is good, but a constant stream of sad pictures and scary stories isn't something I need.

In other news I'm suddenly crafty. Weird, I know!  I was seized by the desire to create! Create Things! (Things that are not babies, fyi). And so I started sewing, which meant i had to learn how to use the sewing machine. I've made pouches for rocks and rice bags. I'm planning a pillowcase deal, its on the perpetual list. Then a friend of mine suggested making wands, which was a spectacular idea and while fumbling my way through one...I discovered I liked working with now I'm wire wrapping stuff. I'm sure 6 months from now I'll figure out my niche, but for now I'm having a lot of fun exploring. Scrapbooking is out, in case you were wondering. Although paper making sounds like fun.

I said to my mom; "This is so weird! Im not very good with crafts/art" and she gently pointed out, I've probably never given it a chance. (Except scrapbooking ironically). The first six years out of high school I was in (and out and in) university and working and swimming. Then 8 years of babies and nursing...maybe she is right. Well I'm going full bore now. I'll post some pictures later

Thursday, March 6


Very Quickly, because it is VERY Late/Early.

Having friends is nice.

I've had friends before. But it was always so much work/frustrating. Not all the time or with everyone but yeah. We didn't connect, or I was a tiny bit embarrassed, or we had wildly different needs/expectations. Or (sadly) I just didn't like them, but fake liking them was better than having nobody so I stuck it out.

Maybe I should say I haven't been a really good friend before?

Anyway in October this group came together, and its been amazing. I don't resonate perfectly with everyone. There are differences of opinion and expectations and feelings. BUT holy crap there are 6 or 7 woman who i could spent indefinite amounts of time with, and love every frickin minute. Yes they challenge me, but they pick me up, and support me and I get to do that for them, and its an HONOR. Truly. Its been and continues to be an honor.

I didn't dream of this, of this many amazing inspiring like minded women who truly want to uplift those around them. I'm pretty sure united we could do anything. And I'm just so damn blessed to be a part of it. Tonight. I had a few of them over and we sat until midnight drinking wine, pulling cards and just chatting. At one point i went to the kitchen to get more dessert and realised....this is it. This is exactly what I would have asked for if I had dreamed it could exist.

Immense Gratitude.

Good Friends are Awesome.

Tuesday, March 4

Act 1

"phoooooooo" she softly blew the dust off her blog. Creak, creak as she types the first few words. So foreign yet so familiar.

This is my present to myself. In 23 mins I turn 33 years old (NOT 34 which I've been saying for six months, oops), my present is blogging with I miss terribly but have put at the bottom of the priority list. Coincidentally my birthday and Ash Wednesday are the same day this year...and 40acts...(link to follow) popped up on my FB feed. Act 1 was start a journal. Ok Universe, I'm listening.

I'd love to catch up and fill in the major blanks from the last...two? three years. But its already near midnight and I need some sleep. So lets do the bare minimum.

A gratitude list, Things I am thankful for today:
Tyler he has been home for a long time now and he is amazing both for me and the kids.
Hunter who embodys compassion and thoughtfulness
Sage who sprinkles magic dust where ever she goes
Mercurial Jasper, one minute has me in stitches and the next hes having a fit
Rowan who's hugs could melt a frozen heart.
My babysitters who flew in at the last min to save my evening
Great happy music to dance to
My sister who bought me a fabulous present (Hamsa Shirt, Lucky Necklace and Dark Chocolate), she came downtown to have a birthday dinner with me!
My mom. Who paid for dinner, took me to the hockey game and gave me a present!
It has been a long time since I had dinner with those two and the company was the best part.


Gratitude list done...

Act 2 tomorrow!


Tuesday, January 7

Thursday, October 24

Here we are!

The first years of my babies lives are unparalleled. It simultaneously takes forever and is gone in a blink. I am standing at the final precipice of his first year. Its over tomorrow at 9:10pm. Then he is One, and no longer my baby. They will all always be my babies, I know that, but there is just something different once that exact moment ticks by on the clock. I will never be this close to that moment again. It will never be so close to my grasp, while being so obviously far away.

From this moment, and truly every moment he has been here he is defining himself as himself. As separate and unique and delightful. That is how it should be, how it is meant to be. I love learning who my children are and what they think. It a wonderful unveiling. But. Because he is my last, this is harder.

A million coping strategies flew through my mind today; i considered cancelling the party (I am sick), I refused to get out of bed (made the oldest two an hour late for school). I wanted to eat all the wheat, and sugar and chocolate. I considered a nice glass of wine at 11am. I desperately wanted to go for a run. Anything to dull or numb the feelings. Anything to escape.

But instead (and evidence of my growth) I stood in my kitchen and felt it. I refused to run and finally turned into it. Let it be. I cried into a tiny sleeper. I wept by his crib. I got choked up when i read a story about a nursing mom. And then it was ok. Well and then I talked to my sister, who made me write out a to do list, to my friend who reminded me that great adventure lies ahead, to my Mom who even as i dialed reminded me that kids never really stop needing their moms.

I haven't braved the birth or newborn pictures. I also haven't cleaned the house. So don't take this as a complete success. Although I'm doing far better at letting go than any other time in my life. So I'm proud of myself.

In fact this needs to be said. At 32 and a half, I really like who I am. I'm damn strong. I stood up during labour...during transition. I caught Rowan as he was born, in a tub, in my bedroom. I did something I didn't believe i was capable of. He has given me an amazing gift, and idea of myself that I had never considered. I am worthy and capable and magnificent, and without his birth experience, I don't know if I would have gotten here.

It doesn't exist in a vacuum, Hunter's birth taught me that i was as strong and capable as I thought I might be. Sage ripped me wide open and forced me to find my comfort zone to push back against what wasn't me, and to be open to change and mystery and magic. Jasper taught me that I was the only thing holding me back. Limitation were of my own creation. Then Rowan blew the top off my self image and revealed a new idea of myself, greater, more giving, more balanced and just really really cool.

Part of my reluctance to step ahead into the future is that I can't see myself teaching full time. I have a degree waiting to be used, but I have many friends and relatives who teach, and my god it eats at their soul. I believe it is the hardest paid job on the planet. Because what they give up is so great. a few are finding balance...after 5 years on the job. But I like to completely absorb myself in what I'm doing and I have yet to see someone successfully do both and be happy, until they have many years under their belt. And those first years are just ugly.

But we don't get to see the whole path before we step, so with a Kleenex clutched firmly in hand...I'll take those first steps down a mostly foggy path, it starts with a birthday party.

Happy Birthday Rowan William Scott (16 mins early). You've changed my life in the most amazing unexpected way. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat You are an incredible blessing and I am so thankful you are my son.


 Ps...I'm real glad your head isn't that shape anymore.

Monday, September 23

Head nodding...

Ever found yourself straining to keep your eyes open on the road? Maybe head bobbing. And you think "Holy shit! I'm tired, I shouldn't be driving".

Well....i'm tired and overwhelmed and probably shouldn't be parenting. Its not full on driving off the road, but i'm definitely having some loooong blinks around here. Making decision I generally wouldn't, forgetting things that I never would. Today i ran upstairs to fix something with the tv, and then sat down and flipped through national geographic's 30 best animal picts of the year, twice. I had left Jasper mixing the banana bread. The whole time. There was no egg in the mix but I had totally forgot! While meandering back downstairs I actually thought ...what's Jasper doing right now? Where is he? Then came around the corner and it all rushed back...holy shit! I am constantly monitoring what each kid is doing...hyper vigilant...and here I had totally dropped the ball. And i know why, and its OK. But it tells me how far I am from optimal functioning.

After last night I decided that passively waiting for a reaction isn't cool so I took the plunge and started tackling my 'foods that might be a problem for Rowan' list. (Eggs, Chocolate, Corn, Pork, Strawberries, Raspberries, Peach, Cucumber, Goats milk, Dairy, non-peanut nuts, lentils, parsnips) I had the other three kids dressed in case we needed to go to the hospital, and the epipen ready and out of its case. I fried (without oil or butter or anything) an organic egg. And diced it, kicked the other kids out of the kitchen and fed it to him. he ate half then I cut him off. Some small hives on his chin appeared, then between his nose and mouth (where the egg had touched). I was hoping that would be the worst of it...then maybe 7-10mins after he ate it....his face just exploded. At one point there were 40 hives and his eyes were swollen shut.

And it bugs him, so he wants to cuddle into me or thrash away. he doesn't want to sit still and let me obsessively watch his breathing. Which is what i had to do. I HAD TO SIT AND WATCH TO MAKE SURE HE KEPT BREATHING. And there is no way for me to describe that feeling. Its just awful. You can't do anything but sit and watch and hope.  Phone in one hand, epipen in the other, wondering if and when and what will it look like and is that wheezing? or is he just congested? Will I know when? And knowing that I did this...I gave him the egg, even though i suspected it would be a problem.

It sucks.

I didn't move far enough out of the way when I closed the Van tailgate tonight. I slammed it into my temple. I have a goose egg.

Hunter had the stomach flu. .... this is an afterthought. He slept 13 hours last night, and I clean diarrhea up off the floor twice today. But in the face of Eggs and Hives! Stomach flu becomes a post script.

And i'm not asking for Vegas or a Beach....a few hours of silence and sleep would be a real treat right now.

Sunday, September 22

yet more hives

Baby food. Baby food. A jar of mixed vegetables, good for 6 months and up! I have been making Rowans food, or buying him those bags of food. But we were out of those things and i just grabbed the jar in the cupboard. Because it was mixed veggies! And he was hungry. If you haven't already guessed. HIVES! HIVES from baby food. (water, carrots, potatoes, parsnips, yellow split peas, lentils). Because Soy, Peanuts, and Garbanzo Beans have all caused a reaction I'm thinking the Lentils or peas are the culprit here. But I'll try parsnips this week when my cortisol levels drop and see how it goes.

I'm so freaking calm when the hives start...I"m all....strip the kid, put him in the tub fresh water rinse...wash incase its a topical reaction. Immediately review foods. Don't panic, stay calm. Watch hives make sure they peak and stop spreading. Record how bad it was, try to get a picture, try to match it with a new food. Is this a first reaction? a second exposure? How does it rank compared to his other reactions? Is there a pattern? figure it out, Figure It Out, FIGURE IT OUT! There is an answer I should be able to see it!

But i'm super calm on the outside.

Then when its all said and done...and everything is fine my system crashes. and then i get the shakes and panic and freak out. But! I'm calm when it happens. Thank god for cortisol I guess.

Actually thank god for Jasper he gently eased me into the idea of food allergies...with the eggs wheat dairy deal...then nicely grew out of them. Ive spent the last two and a half years modifying what we are eating i some way shape or form. Otherwise...I don't' know how i would be handling this.

Wednesday, September 18

Do you think its heavy.

ugh I'm sick of cleaning my glasses.

but things keep setting me off. The 'mothers milk' tea in the tea cupboard. Even the pain of engorgement. The two newborns at Sage's Sparks meeting. The idea of Rowan rooting, the song I sing him to sleep with. My nursing tops. Rowan crying.

These things, these things. These things crawl behind my stoic wall of not crying. Of being one of those strong people who don't get emotional over everything. They sneak in and I'm a pitiful ball on the floor. and I'm sitting here writing trying to get it out of me down onto paper or screen so that its not all whirling inside me like a toilet. Waiting, tamped down waiting for a crack.

If anyone had breathed a word 'maybe its time' 'you'll have to do it sometime' anything i could construe as an insinuation that i should wean. I wouldnt' be doing this. Any feather light push in that direction, real or imagined. And i would have fought back, held on, screw you.

But it was my decision. He doesn't need this any more. I need it. But he doesn't. Its been almost 24 hours and not once has he rooted, or looked to latch. He has laid on my breast, used it as a pillow and had the opportunity to latch. But he didn't.
thank god. This is hard enough.

le derniere fois.

the last time I'll be engorged. The last time I'll breastfeed. The last time he's all mine. The last time I'm needed.

I know.

I knew this was coming. That's why now. I'm never going to be OK with weaning. Give me 2 months or 2 years. I'll feel awkward but I don't think I'll be OK with weaning.

How selfish. How self centered. Its been a gift. Four gifts. I've been able to breastfeed for well over three years. Something i didn't even know i wanted. Seriously after Hunter was born the midwife suggested I try feeding him and i was dumbfounded...I hadn't planned on that.

Bleeding Nipples, cramps as bad as contractions, cluster feeds. Not keeping a shirt on, nursing a long baby on an airplane. Babies too congested to nurse. Rowan snorting and rooting like a baby pig. we called him TrufflePig. No periods! Not even to the very end. No periods the entire time i nursed. Food restrictions real or created. I've got magic boobs. My babies gained weight quickly, were very healthy. Moved through the meconium quick and were never hungry. I've soothed them when hurt, hungry, and over tired. The balm of Gilead and it was effortless. Watching those tiny heads grow big, their weight heavy on my lap. growing teeth...getting bitten! (not often) I've nursed on countless flights, in hotel rooms. In cars, tent and our trailer. I've nursed in malls, restaurants, and arenas. At the dinner table and hiding in the living room. I've watched hours and hours of tv while nursing, then pintrest. I've nursed one handed, while cooking and while sleeping through the night. Ive danced and entertained and sat in the dark just me and the babe. I've pumped, milk turned blue, red and green from food.

laughing budda grins at me from the other screen. heres hoping he knows something I don't.

Friday, September 6

walking and waffles

Where to start. Eh, just start.

From January to May I ate the foods that agree with my body and didn't eat the foods that cause mayhem or discomfort. My poop was green. I bought a juicer. I wasn't as tired and almost never had a stomach ache. I dropped all of my pregnancy weight and then some. Then a whiff of summer and damn hot dogs and buns and burgers and well hell lets just throw it out the window! So i have been. Waffles warm smothered in butter and whip cream and maple syrup. cookies, the most amazing lemon cookies made by my sister. Peaches! by the basket fresh from the field.

I love September. I have for as long as i remember loving a month. March runs a close second but ahhh September. I'm not a planner or scheduler by choice. I'd say I don't want a schedule just let it all ride. But then September rolls around and schedule is forced on me....the older the kids get the more scheduled we have to schedule. (wha??)  and its unadulterated bliss. Pure bliss. Because i know where i'm suppose to be and what i'm suppose to be doing and where i'm gong next. I know i have 45 mins with Jasper and Rowan while Sage and Hunter are in Taekwondo we went for a walk. And because that was the extent of my 'to do' in that time frame. I gave it to Jasper. I let him lead and decide where we went. I stopped and looked at poop and rocks and walls and bugs. I listened when he spoke (the first time even!). I demanded he follow basic safety rules. That's it....I just had 45 mins to be with Jasper (Rowan was happy to sit in the stroller). And because I hadn't tried to pack three things into that time, Because i wasn't rushing or counting mins or writing lists in my head. Because i wasn't home where the to do list is never ending and i'm always feeling the kitchen and the next meal pull me like gravity away from any other activity.  It was wonderful. It was a break. Maybe its not that i need a break from the kids. But a break from the chaos. Apparently I can seperate the chaos from the kids...who knew?

I feel guilty when i'm at home. there is so much undone. right now. Its 10. I should be sleeping, i should be cleaning the kitchen, i should be folding laundry, I should be picking up toys. I should clean the toilets. And those ghosts chase me everywhere in this house they never leave me. So i try to get to all the ghosts....then i can play with the kids. Then I can sit and engage. Hell i rarely sit for meals now .... i'm trying to get the kitchen organized ... although that never happens. And i'm searching for serenity outside .... childcare, yoga, blah , escape. I thought i was running from the kids but i'm not. I'm running from the house. from the ever present job of maintaining it. Because if there is a job i'm very very bad at....its maintain the house. Raising babies, birthing babies, newborns? I'm really really good at those. scrubbing the floors? putting away the laundry? another story. Ha. Tyler once said to me "we will hire a nanny, then you can get everything done' . That thought horrified me. Why would you take away the best part of my job? and leave me with the shit parts? Gah.

I have a cleaning lady. She arrived shortly after i was told to be more self sufficient. she has only been once, and its September which in addition to order and schedule also means pure chaos and exhausted kids and i am allowing myself the time to readjust.

We were camping for the september long weekend. Everyone was exhausted in the best way, then right into school and an hour on the bus. Because I am crazy the kids also did two taekwondo classes and we went to the school open house. And sage started kindergarten.

Hunter before bed was about the get very worked up...he was just completely defeated by the pace of the last 10 days. I looked at him and asked him to give me all his worries. I'd hold them for the night and he could have them back in the morning, if he wanted them. It was good advice....I guess I'm leaving mine here for the night. Strange thing.....nobody seems to want them back in the morning.

see these always go unexpected places.


Tuesday, April 23


Self awareness you are a bitch to gain. Today: I'm jittery, unfocused, anxious, confused, and mostly wound up. And the anxiety is all: it's the juice! No wait its Tyler! No it's that person over there! It's the sugar (in the juice)! It's not enough water! It's ALL THE THINGS!

Which usually means it is actually me and none of those other things. Which! If I had a little more self awareness I'd.... I'd.... I don't know I'd be smart enough to avoid getting myself into this situation.... Aren't i suppose to know better than this? Gah! I should have stayed in bed.

Thursday, April 18

Hi. angst into gratitude.

The food thing has been an adventure. It started out as something I was doing for Rowan, then as the days/weeks/months passed and his face refused to clear, it became something I did for myself.  It's been 112 days since I took Eggs, Wheat, and Diary out of my diet.  (also sugar although I used Agave/Maple/Unrefined sugar on occasion). By extension that also eliminated 90% of processed foods. The cravings are almost entirely gone, have been for awhile, and when they do come up...there is always an emotional trigger behind it. I have treats, but the are well spaced and portion controlled...yesterday i had trailmix with M&M's in it.

But I don't have super powers (self control included). I just made a decision to change what I ate, and yes there were cravings and yes i have weak moments (Birthday Cake of all things!). But ultimately I'm the one who decides what goes in my mouth, I have control over that...its one of the very few things in life that I truly control. And once I was able to disentangle myself from the cultural expectations around food (bread!pasta!melt cheese on that shit!)  It seems pretty clear. This is just one culture...I could go to other parts of the world and not feel like a complete weirdo for my choices.

This became very pointed to me while in Hawaii, I went into my first Whole Foods. Sweet Jesus...there were foods in every 6ft section that I could eat. There was a gigantic salad bar...and at the end of it a vat of cooked brown rice. I literally embraced the vat and said to my mom " I've found my people!" Its sad that I felt more at home and more comfortable in a grocery store surrounded by strangers an ocean away from my home than I do in my own town.

 But! I am very grateful for the supportive people I have in my life. When i started this post I was sure I would be complaining about the people who tear me down, who critics and judge. But as i was writing I started thinking about how  many people do the opposite and I'd rather focus on that:

 My Mom goes very far out of her way to prepare meals I can eat, and continues to invite me over.

My sister offers support daily, and also cooks for me.

Tyler thinks I'm completely nuts but also supports me (he bought me a juicer, and had them remake a salad for me when it came out with cheese... I wasn't even at the table),

My sister in law has made similar lifestyle changes, and is a great ally.

My friend Meghan dropped Gluten last week, and emails me recipes for chia pudding.

My cousin is a naturopath in Ontario who also shares great recipes. 

I have a friend in BC who gave up Sugar....18 months ago? And still reaps the benefits...she wouldn't go back.

So...there you go....

I'm blessed with a support system I didn't even acknowledge, and all the benefits of my new lifestyle. Its going pretty good around here.

Tuesday, January 29

One Month...

(oh yeah had a baby, Rowan. He's awesome but that's another post)

One Month. One month ago I realized the rash creeping up Rowans face was not (as my pediatrician insisted) baby acne, it was not a milk rash. It was the same rash Jasper had for the first 7 months of his life. Wow, was i excited to see it again.

At least this time I had an idea what was going on. On December 28 I cut out wheat, dairy and eggs. I limited sugar and switched to brown rice. I also limited corn and soy. As the days went on and Rowan cleared up a bit but not completely, then flared up again and again....I took more things out of my diet. Sure if i could just get the right combo (or avoid the right combo) all would be clear and pristine. Citrus, Bananas, Pork, Tomatoes, Asparagus, Peanuts, Bell Peppers, Melons, Dried Fruit, Deli meat, Sausage, Mushrooms, Oats. Absolutely no soy, or corn or any of the other things I limited. No sugar instead little bits of Maple Syrup.

Here we are the 29th of January and he is still rashy. Better than yesterday but I'm not sure what that means any more. Fortunately it has yet to get as bad as Jasper's. It weeps and flakes and is red and angry but doesn't climb above his temples so his forehead remains clear.

I have an appointment with the naturopath who discovered the mom diet-breastmilk-rash connection with Jasper. I had great plans to have my blood work tested during my appointment. Which is why i waited so long to get in. I wanted two weeks clean before testing. Then I discovered i need to have eaten all of the potential trigger foods within 24 hours of the test. I had a plan to binge tomorrow and eat all the things I have been avoiding (McMuffins! Burgers! Cinnamon buns!Cheese! everything else on the list above). I was going to experiment by putting Rowan on formula (and pumping) while the big reaction happened over the binging. But the closer that gets (tomorrow am) the more nauseated I am at the though of eating all those foods. Yes I would love to sit down and eat them, part of my brain now chants 'cinnabun, cinnabun. cinnabun' over and over and over. But the reality of reintroducing foods that made me bloat and feel sick and mood swingy, and just yuck out weights the voice of the cravings. So I'm going to take in my exhaustive food journal (every item eaten in the last month) and hope we can work from there. If the blood work is the best shot then I'll do it. But for now....well lets see where we get.

There have been benefits, despite the rash still making an appearance....I'm not bloating! I'm much more comfortable. only two stomach aches in a month! I lost 12 lbs in a month. I have more energy and less snapping. I've proven my ability to be disciplined about what i'm eating and to record every single thing.

I'm a complete pain in the ass if i'm coming over for a meal though....Mom has made two delicious soups that were totally legit, but it is a huge inconvenience. I fortunately haven't been eating out at all.

Wednesday, October 24

Overshare # 642

Totally lost my mucous about 9 o'clock last night.

Despite it being a relatively minor change, and not something that signals imminent labor like say....water breaking. It shouldn't really mean much. BUT! It completely changed my perspective. I was spontaneously smiling through the grocery store. LAUGHING! laughing at Tyler when I got home.

It was such a relief to have some physical confirmation that labor would actually happened. For the first time in two? three? weeks I was excited to meet the baby. Wasn't apathetic towards the tiny outfits in the nursery. Or secretly wondering if a) four was really worth it, maybe i should have just stuck with three..esp if it meant I didn't have to be pregnant any more and b) If i truly would be pregnant forever. It doesn't feel good to think those things. I know I shouldn't, I feel guilty for it. But I just couldnt' get over the feeling that i was just going to continue to deteriorate to infinity, and no baby.

So....whew. I will likely have this baby sometime in the imminent future. Imminent meaning less than two weeks.


Monday, October 22

so then today happened...

I broke today.

I pushed through back spasms, an irritable almost two year old, an hour and a half in the car. I sat in the uncomfortable seats at dance, I smiled and made small talk with the moms. I carried/rocked/consoled an upset 30lb Jasper for most of last night. I (blessedly) ate a delicious lunch prepared by my mom, and let my kids tear her house apart. I got home and faced dinner, after school squabbling, and more fits by Jasper. I talked to my grandmother on the phone, who suggested i have the baby tonight, I agreed and told her I would call her tomorrow with the details. Then I was cheeky and posted a picture on FB of the App on my phone that counts down to the due date by announcing...X days until Baby. Today it said One day until Baby.

 I'm sure the friend meant well, we haven't talked for a long time. She has no idea what this pregnancy has been like or what it feels like to go full term, much less full term four times. (161 weeks pregnant tomorrow). So if I had the space in my head I would have shaken off her comment that said "I hope you go two weeks over, so you are not tempted to have another one."

However. Given my already....overwhelmed state. It felt like a curse. And it broke me. Tyler came home and I retreated to the garage. Instead of explaining what was going on and why i was upset, I just hid. Which isn't the mature thing to do. And didn't tell him what i was feeling or what i needed. After a heated discussion about using my words. I hid in the bedroom and had a really good cry. Tyler and the kids sat and ate dinner, Tyler tucked the kids in, and cleaned up.

I had a bath in which i fantasised about delivering the baby.  

So I asked for help.

I asked him to pack the lunches for tomorrow, to have tomorrow be his last day at work, to take over dinner and lunches and soccer and chauffeuring. Meal planning, decision making, all of it. Because I can't do it anymore, I can't handle it and I need help.

It sort of kills me to admit that. I want desperately to be able to power through this, to make it happen because it needs to. Because the other kids need it, I need to feel  like i can handle it. Instead I feel guilty, and a bit relieved. The million dollar question is if i will be able to follow through. To stay the hell out of it, to let him do it. Because that's pretty much been my life for the last 6 years, and as much as i recognize the need to back off and let him take over. It is scary.

Saturday, October 20

checking in...

I feel like i should check in after that last post.

I'm ok! I haven't had any anxiety or depressive symptoms since that day. Yay!

I need to record days like that. Otherwise I don't remember how many times I've had them, how many times I've dismissed it as a one time thing. Tyler and I overhauled the house today. The kitchen is so clean that we went out to eat :)

And did you know....October 23 is the cut off for a Libra. Otherwise this baby is going to be a Scorpio? I didn't know that I thought it was later. I already have a Scorpio! Interesting.

Oh...and....why do people check in everyday. Not the people who want to check in and see how I'm doing (i like those phone calls) , the people who clearly are only invested in the arrival of the child. Have you had the baby yet? Are you contracting? No. Thanks. you think I'm going to have this baby and just not tell anyone? Really? There are a few people with whom I was closer during my other pregnancies. Friends who I'm just more distant with now. And...well what do you expect. If we every conversation we have is awkward...of course I'm not going to call to chat just because I'm pregnant. I understand 'have you had the baby' as an ice breaker, but ....UGH. sorry venting over.

Ok....I think everyone is asleep in the house...I'm going to bed.

Oh...I finally managed to get the walls scrubbed!


Thursday, October 18


Of course it was Zombies.

I don't 'do' zombies. I don't read books involving them, I don't watch movies. All my supernatural energy goes into Vampires. So of course when anxiety strikes....of course it would be zombies.

Last night as i was trying to fall asleep, it suddenly occured to me...I didn't have a plan if Zombies attack.

I'll let that sink in for awhile.....

from here on out I will be using italics to indicate my rational thoughts.

Zombies? really?

But what if? What if they were trying to get into the house? What would I would I protect the kids? How much ammo does tyler have in the house? (For the Hunting guns)

But really, we should be sleeping here. Zombies?  

I don't know how to shoot a gun, how much help could I be? would just be Tyler.....can you even shoot a zombie? Does that work?

Oh come on....this is anxiety talking, this is clearly not rational or real....we are not letting anxiety control us...lets go to sleep

Maybe I should learn to shoot a gun. There aren't too many windows at the front we should be ok...only the half glass door to contend with....

My god woman, please let it go. Don't fixate on this.

BUT THE BACK! what if zombies tried to get into the back? three windows! how could we possibly contend with three windows?? OMG, we are screwed.

Sweet jesus, its turning into a movie sequence. This isn't going anywhere good.

What if we all holed up in our bedroom....then there would be only one door. Tyler could totally manage that. Could we outlast them? What if there were hordes of Zombies walking down are street? What would we do?

OK! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! STOP RIGHT THERE!  And i got up and got a drink and calmed down then went back to bed. 


I'm not sure if I'm pleased that I managed to shut it off, or upset because it got so far. Or upset because it started at all.  I had some pretty creative anxiety during the PPD, it was never zombies (unilateral government control, and aliens but no zombies) and it got a lot worse, and I didn't recognize what was happening....but still. It isn't fun, to know part of my brain is back there. Yes of course I'm a little worried about the post partum period. This pregnancy having been so... .psychologically and emotionally challenging. How could I not?

And while i managed to shake it and fall asleep I woke with it still hanging on. Worried not about getting through today, but blowing little things wildly out of proportion. It was an awesome day to go on a field trip with the the fire hall. "a bedroom door left open allows the fire (and toxic gas! and smoke!) to spread at this accelerated rate." "What if the parents died and the kids survived..." "bunk beds, cause children to be directly in the line of the hottest toxic air!"
Don't forget I'm already in the throws of some serious anxiety, and I'm trying to listen to a fireman talk about our house going up in flames.

awesome morning!

I was 20 mins late for the field trip, and upon arriving my excuse was 'I managed to get out of bed this morning, that alone deserves a gold star."

This isn't 'normal' this was by far the worst anxiety episode I've had this pregnancy....really since the post partum. The days before it were pretty good. Now the three days before that you can read...not my best. But it was more depression instead of anxiety. Yes I'm splitting hairs.

So whats my point? I don't know. This sucks.

Will (like the food aversion problems with the 3rd pregnancy) this all go away after I have the baby? I think so? Hope so? am counting on it?

Am i ok? Yes. I still have that very clear consistent rational voice , and clearly am able to turn it off when I choose.

Am i being honest with those around me? Yes. This is like a little lesson in mental health for Tyler..."if I'm acting like this (enter symptoms of anxiety or depression) for more than a little need to tell me, we need talk about it. Sometimes I don't recognize the depression part until I'm through it...and I need to you watch me, to tell me if i'm getting...foggy.

Should I be taking something? Yes I should be meditating, taking my B complex vitamins, and seeing both my acupuncturist and probably therapist. But some of those things need to wait. And one of those things gives me heartburn. As for legit pharmaceuticals.... my body has a really, really hard time processing most 'medications'. I take half a regular strength Tylenol for a headache on occasion. But anything stronger....well the symptoms so far have been worse than the problem. So antidepressants or anti anxiety meds are sort of a last resort. And again...this was one day. One really shitty thank god its over day. I think hormonally I'm owed at least a few really good days 17 minutes, when it is officially tomorrow.

so....can i go into labour now? please?

39weeks 3 days...going to bed.