Self awareness you are a bitch to gain. Today: I'm jittery, unfocused, anxious, confused, and mostly wound up. And the anxiety is all: it's the juice! No wait its Tyler! No it's that person over there! It's the sugar (in the juice)! It's not enough water! It's ALL THE THINGS!
Which usually means it is actually me and none of those other things. Which! If I had a little more self awareness I'd.... I'd.... I don't know I'd be smart enough to avoid getting myself into this situation.... Aren't i suppose to know better than this? Gah! I should have stayed in bed.
Tuesday, April 23
Thursday, April 18
Hi. angst into gratitude.
The food thing has been an adventure. It started out as something I was doing for Rowan, then as the days/weeks/months passed and his face refused to clear, it became something I did for myself. It's been 112 days since I took Eggs, Wheat, and Diary out of my diet. (also sugar although I used Agave/Maple/Unrefined sugar on occasion). By extension that also eliminated 90% of processed foods. The cravings are almost entirely gone, have been for awhile, and when they do come up...there is always an emotional trigger behind it. I have treats, but the are well spaced and portion controlled...yesterday i had trailmix with M&M's in it.
But I don't have super powers (self control included). I just made a decision to change what I ate, and yes there were cravings and yes i have weak moments (Birthday Cake of all things!). But ultimately I'm the one who decides what goes in my mouth, I have control over that...its one of the very few things in life that I truly control. And once I was able to disentangle myself from the cultural expectations around food (bread!pasta!melt cheese on that shit!) It seems pretty clear. This is just one culture...I could go to other parts of the world and not feel like a complete weirdo for my choices.
This became very pointed to me while in Hawaii, I went into my first Whole Foods. Sweet Jesus...there were foods in every 6ft section that I could eat. There was a gigantic salad bar...and at the end of it a vat of cooked brown rice. I literally embraced the vat and said to my mom " I've found my people!" Its sad that I felt more at home and more comfortable in a grocery store surrounded by strangers an ocean away from my home than I do in my own town.
But! I am very grateful for the supportive people I have in my life. When i started this post I was sure I would be complaining about the people who tear me down, who critics and judge. But as i was writing I started thinking about how many people do the opposite and I'd rather focus on that:
My Mom goes very far out of her way to prepare meals I can eat, and continues to invite me over.
My sister offers support daily, and also cooks for me.
Tyler thinks I'm completely nuts but also supports me (he bought me a juicer, and had them remake a salad for me when it came out with cheese... I wasn't even at the table),
My sister in law has made similar lifestyle changes, and is a great ally.
My friend Meghan dropped Gluten last week, and emails me recipes for chia pudding.
My cousin is a naturopath in Ontario who also shares great recipes.
I have a friend in BC who gave up Sugar....18 months ago? And still reaps the benefits...she wouldn't go back.
So...there you go....
I'm blessed with a support system I didn't even acknowledge, and all the benefits of my new lifestyle. Its going pretty good around here.
But I don't have super powers (self control included). I just made a decision to change what I ate, and yes there were cravings and yes i have weak moments (Birthday Cake of all things!). But ultimately I'm the one who decides what goes in my mouth, I have control over that...its one of the very few things in life that I truly control. And once I was able to disentangle myself from the cultural expectations around food (bread!pasta!melt cheese on that shit!) It seems pretty clear. This is just one culture...I could go to other parts of the world and not feel like a complete weirdo for my choices.
This became very pointed to me while in Hawaii, I went into my first Whole Foods. Sweet Jesus...there were foods in every 6ft section that I could eat. There was a gigantic salad bar...and at the end of it a vat of cooked brown rice. I literally embraced the vat and said to my mom " I've found my people!" Its sad that I felt more at home and more comfortable in a grocery store surrounded by strangers an ocean away from my home than I do in my own town.
But! I am very grateful for the supportive people I have in my life. When i started this post I was sure I would be complaining about the people who tear me down, who critics and judge. But as i was writing I started thinking about how many people do the opposite and I'd rather focus on that:
My Mom goes very far out of her way to prepare meals I can eat, and continues to invite me over.
My sister offers support daily, and also cooks for me.
Tyler thinks I'm completely nuts but also supports me (he bought me a juicer, and had them remake a salad for me when it came out with cheese... I wasn't even at the table),
My sister in law has made similar lifestyle changes, and is a great ally.
My friend Meghan dropped Gluten last week, and emails me recipes for chia pudding.
My cousin is a naturopath in Ontario who also shares great recipes.
I have a friend in BC who gave up Sugar....18 months ago? And still reaps the benefits...she wouldn't go back.
So...there you go....
I'm blessed with a support system I didn't even acknowledge, and all the benefits of my new lifestyle. Its going pretty good around here.
Tuesday, January 29
One Month...
(oh yeah had a baby, Rowan. He's awesome but that's another post)
One Month. One month ago I realized the rash creeping up Rowans face was not (as my pediatrician insisted) baby acne, it was not a milk rash. It was the same rash Jasper had for the first 7 months of his life. Wow, was i excited to see it again.
At least this time I had an idea what was going on. On December 28 I cut out wheat, dairy and eggs. I limited sugar and switched to brown rice. I also limited corn and soy. As the days went on and Rowan cleared up a bit but not completely, then flared up again and again....I took more things out of my diet. Sure if i could just get the right combo (or avoid the right combo) all would be clear and pristine. Citrus, Bananas, Pork, Tomatoes, Asparagus, Peanuts, Bell Peppers, Melons, Dried Fruit, Deli meat, Sausage, Mushrooms, Oats. Absolutely no soy, or corn or any of the other things I limited. No sugar instead little bits of Maple Syrup.
Here we are the 29th of January and he is still rashy. Better than yesterday but I'm not sure what that means any more. Fortunately it has yet to get as bad as Jasper's. It weeps and flakes and is red and angry but doesn't climb above his temples so his forehead remains clear.
I have an appointment with the naturopath who discovered the mom diet-breastmilk-rash connection with Jasper. I had great plans to have my blood work tested during my appointment. Which is why i waited so long to get in. I wanted two weeks clean before testing. Then I discovered i need to have eaten all of the potential trigger foods within 24 hours of the test. I had a plan to binge tomorrow and eat all the things I have been avoiding (McMuffins! Burgers! Cinnamon buns!Cheese! everything else on the list above). I was going to experiment by putting Rowan on formula (and pumping) while the big reaction happened over the binging. But the closer that gets (tomorrow am) the more nauseated I am at the though of eating all those foods. Yes I would love to sit down and eat them, part of my brain now chants 'cinnabun, cinnabun. cinnabun' over and over and over. But the reality of reintroducing foods that made me bloat and feel sick and mood swingy, and just yuck out weights the voice of the cravings. So I'm going to take in my exhaustive food journal (every item eaten in the last month) and hope we can work from there. If the blood work is the best shot then I'll do it. But for now....well lets see where we get.
There have been benefits, despite the rash still making an appearance....I'm not bloating! I'm much more comfortable. only two stomach aches in a month! I lost 12 lbs in a month. I have more energy and less snapping. I've proven my ability to be disciplined about what i'm eating and to record every single thing.
I'm a complete pain in the ass if i'm coming over for a meal though....Mom has made two delicious soups that were totally legit, but it is a huge inconvenience. I fortunately haven't been eating out at all.
One Month. One month ago I realized the rash creeping up Rowans face was not (as my pediatrician insisted) baby acne, it was not a milk rash. It was the same rash Jasper had for the first 7 months of his life. Wow, was i excited to see it again.
At least this time I had an idea what was going on. On December 28 I cut out wheat, dairy and eggs. I limited sugar and switched to brown rice. I also limited corn and soy. As the days went on and Rowan cleared up a bit but not completely, then flared up again and again....I took more things out of my diet. Sure if i could just get the right combo (or avoid the right combo) all would be clear and pristine. Citrus, Bananas, Pork, Tomatoes, Asparagus, Peanuts, Bell Peppers, Melons, Dried Fruit, Deli meat, Sausage, Mushrooms, Oats. Absolutely no soy, or corn or any of the other things I limited. No sugar instead little bits of Maple Syrup.
Here we are the 29th of January and he is still rashy. Better than yesterday but I'm not sure what that means any more. Fortunately it has yet to get as bad as Jasper's. It weeps and flakes and is red and angry but doesn't climb above his temples so his forehead remains clear.
I have an appointment with the naturopath who discovered the mom diet-breastmilk-rash connection with Jasper. I had great plans to have my blood work tested during my appointment. Which is why i waited so long to get in. I wanted two weeks clean before testing. Then I discovered i need to have eaten all of the potential trigger foods within 24 hours of the test. I had a plan to binge tomorrow and eat all the things I have been avoiding (McMuffins! Burgers! Cinnamon buns!Cheese! everything else on the list above). I was going to experiment by putting Rowan on formula (and pumping) while the big reaction happened over the binging. But the closer that gets (tomorrow am) the more nauseated I am at the though of eating all those foods. Yes I would love to sit down and eat them, part of my brain now chants 'cinnabun, cinnabun. cinnabun' over and over and over. But the reality of reintroducing foods that made me bloat and feel sick and mood swingy, and just yuck out weights the voice of the cravings. So I'm going to take in my exhaustive food journal (every item eaten in the last month) and hope we can work from there. If the blood work is the best shot then I'll do it. But for now....well lets see where we get.
There have been benefits, despite the rash still making an appearance....I'm not bloating! I'm much more comfortable. only two stomach aches in a month! I lost 12 lbs in a month. I have more energy and less snapping. I've proven my ability to be disciplined about what i'm eating and to record every single thing.
I'm a complete pain in the ass if i'm coming over for a meal though....Mom has made two delicious soups that were totally legit, but it is a huge inconvenience. I fortunately haven't been eating out at all.
Wednesday, October 24
Overshare # 642
Totally lost my mucous about 9 o'clock last night.
Despite it being a relatively minor change, and not something that signals imminent labor like say....water breaking. It shouldn't really mean much. BUT! It completely changed my perspective. I was spontaneously smiling through the grocery store. LAUGHING! laughing at Tyler when I got home.
It was such a relief to have some physical confirmation that labor would actually happened. For the first time in two? three? weeks I was excited to meet the baby. Wasn't apathetic towards the tiny outfits in the nursery. Or secretly wondering if a) four was really worth it, maybe i should have just stuck with three..esp if it meant I didn't have to be pregnant any more and b) If i truly would be pregnant forever. It doesn't feel good to think those things. I know I shouldn't, I feel guilty for it. But I just couldnt' get over the feeling that i was just going to continue to deteriorate to infinity, and no baby.
So....whew. I will likely have this baby sometime in the imminent future. Imminent meaning less than two weeks.
s!
Despite it being a relatively minor change, and not something that signals imminent labor like say....water breaking. It shouldn't really mean much. BUT! It completely changed my perspective. I was spontaneously smiling through the grocery store. LAUGHING! laughing at Tyler when I got home.
It was such a relief to have some physical confirmation that labor would actually happened. For the first time in two? three? weeks I was excited to meet the baby. Wasn't apathetic towards the tiny outfits in the nursery. Or secretly wondering if a) four was really worth it, maybe i should have just stuck with three..esp if it meant I didn't have to be pregnant any more and b) If i truly would be pregnant forever. It doesn't feel good to think those things. I know I shouldn't, I feel guilty for it. But I just couldnt' get over the feeling that i was just going to continue to deteriorate to infinity, and no baby.
So....whew. I will likely have this baby sometime in the imminent future. Imminent meaning less than two weeks.
s!
Monday, October 22
so then today happened...
I broke today.
I pushed through back spasms, an irritable almost two year old, an hour and a half in the car. I sat in the uncomfortable seats at dance, I smiled and made small talk with the moms. I carried/rocked/consoled an upset 30lb Jasper for most of last night. I (blessedly) ate a delicious lunch prepared by my mom, and let my kids tear her house apart. I got home and faced dinner, after school squabbling, and more fits by Jasper. I talked to my grandmother on the phone, who suggested i have the baby tonight, I agreed and told her I would call her tomorrow with the details. Then I was cheeky and posted a picture on FB of the App on my phone that counts down to the due date by announcing...X days until Baby. Today it said One day until Baby.
I'm sure the friend meant well, we haven't talked for a long time. She has no idea what this pregnancy has been like or what it feels like to go full term, much less full term four times. (161 weeks pregnant tomorrow). So if I had the space in my head I would have shaken off her comment that said "I hope you go two weeks over, so you are not tempted to have another one."
However. Given my already....overwhelmed state. It felt like a curse. And it broke me. Tyler came home and I retreated to the garage. Instead of explaining what was going on and why i was upset, I just hid. Which isn't the mature thing to do. And didn't tell him what i was feeling or what i needed. After a heated discussion about using my words. I hid in the bedroom and had a really good cry. Tyler and the kids sat and ate dinner, Tyler tucked the kids in, and cleaned up.
I had a bath in which i fantasised about delivering the baby.
So I asked for help.
I asked him to pack the lunches for tomorrow, to have tomorrow be his last day at work, to take over dinner and lunches and soccer and chauffeuring. Meal planning, decision making, all of it. Because I can't do it anymore, I can't handle it and I need help.
It sort of kills me to admit that. I want desperately to be able to power through this, to make it happen because it needs to. Because the other kids need it, I need to feel like i can handle it. Instead I feel guilty, and a bit relieved. The million dollar question is if i will be able to follow through. To stay the hell out of it, to let him do it. Because that's pretty much been my life for the last 6 years, and as much as i recognize the need to back off and let him take over. It is scary.
I pushed through back spasms, an irritable almost two year old, an hour and a half in the car. I sat in the uncomfortable seats at dance, I smiled and made small talk with the moms. I carried/rocked/consoled an upset 30lb Jasper for most of last night. I (blessedly) ate a delicious lunch prepared by my mom, and let my kids tear her house apart. I got home and faced dinner, after school squabbling, and more fits by Jasper. I talked to my grandmother on the phone, who suggested i have the baby tonight, I agreed and told her I would call her tomorrow with the details. Then I was cheeky and posted a picture on FB of the App on my phone that counts down to the due date by announcing...X days until Baby. Today it said One day until Baby.
I'm sure the friend meant well, we haven't talked for a long time. She has no idea what this pregnancy has been like or what it feels like to go full term, much less full term four times. (161 weeks pregnant tomorrow). So if I had the space in my head I would have shaken off her comment that said "I hope you go two weeks over, so you are not tempted to have another one."
However. Given my already....overwhelmed state. It felt like a curse. And it broke me. Tyler came home and I retreated to the garage. Instead of explaining what was going on and why i was upset, I just hid. Which isn't the mature thing to do. And didn't tell him what i was feeling or what i needed. After a heated discussion about using my words. I hid in the bedroom and had a really good cry. Tyler and the kids sat and ate dinner, Tyler tucked the kids in, and cleaned up.
I had a bath in which i fantasised about delivering the baby.
So I asked for help.
I asked him to pack the lunches for tomorrow, to have tomorrow be his last day at work, to take over dinner and lunches and soccer and chauffeuring. Meal planning, decision making, all of it. Because I can't do it anymore, I can't handle it and I need help.
It sort of kills me to admit that. I want desperately to be able to power through this, to make it happen because it needs to. Because the other kids need it, I need to feel like i can handle it. Instead I feel guilty, and a bit relieved. The million dollar question is if i will be able to follow through. To stay the hell out of it, to let him do it. Because that's pretty much been my life for the last 6 years, and as much as i recognize the need to back off and let him take over. It is scary.
Saturday, October 20
checking in...
I feel like i should check in after that last post.
I'm ok! I haven't had any anxiety or depressive symptoms since that day. Yay!
I need to record days like that. Otherwise I don't remember how many times I've had them, how many times I've dismissed it as a one time thing. Tyler and I overhauled the house today. The kitchen is so clean that we went out to eat :)
And did you know....October 23 is the cut off for a Libra. Otherwise this baby is going to be a Scorpio? I didn't know that I thought it was later. I already have a Scorpio! Interesting.
Oh...and....why do people check in everyday. Not the people who want to check in and see how I'm doing (i like those phone calls) , the people who clearly are only invested in the arrival of the child. Have you had the baby yet? Are you contracting? No. Thanks. Seriously...do you think I'm going to have this baby and just not tell anyone? Really? There are a few people with whom I was closer during my other pregnancies. Friends who I'm just more distant with now. And...well what do you expect. If we every conversation we have is awkward...of course I'm not going to call to chat just because I'm pregnant. I understand 'have you had the baby' as an ice breaker, but ....UGH. sorry venting over.
Ok....I think everyone is asleep in the house...I'm going to bed.
Oh...I finally managed to get the walls scrubbed!
S
I'm ok! I haven't had any anxiety or depressive symptoms since that day. Yay!
I need to record days like that. Otherwise I don't remember how many times I've had them, how many times I've dismissed it as a one time thing. Tyler and I overhauled the house today. The kitchen is so clean that we went out to eat :)
And did you know....October 23 is the cut off for a Libra. Otherwise this baby is going to be a Scorpio? I didn't know that I thought it was later. I already have a Scorpio! Interesting.
Oh...and....why do people check in everyday. Not the people who want to check in and see how I'm doing (i like those phone calls) , the people who clearly are only invested in the arrival of the child. Have you had the baby yet? Are you contracting? No. Thanks. Seriously...do you think I'm going to have this baby and just not tell anyone? Really? There are a few people with whom I was closer during my other pregnancies. Friends who I'm just more distant with now. And...well what do you expect. If we every conversation we have is awkward...of course I'm not going to call to chat just because I'm pregnant. I understand 'have you had the baby' as an ice breaker, but ....UGH. sorry venting over.
Ok....I think everyone is asleep in the house...I'm going to bed.
Oh...I finally managed to get the walls scrubbed!
S
Thursday, October 18
Zombies..
Of course it was Zombies.
I don't 'do' zombies. I don't read books involving them, I don't watch movies. All my supernatural energy goes into Vampires. So of course when anxiety strikes....of course it would be zombies.
Last night as i was trying to fall asleep, it suddenly occured to me...I didn't have a plan if Zombies attack.
I'll let that sink in for awhile.....
from here on out I will be using italics to indicate my rational thoughts.
Zombies? really?
But what if? What if they were trying to get into the house? What would I do...how would I protect the kids? How much ammo does tyler have in the house? (For the Hunting guns)
But really, we should be sleeping here. Zombies?
I don't know how to shoot a gun, how much help could I be? Omg...it would just be Tyler.....can you even shoot a zombie? Does that work?
Oh come on....this is anxiety talking, this is clearly not rational or real....we are not letting anxiety control us...lets go to sleep
Maybe I should learn to shoot a gun. There aren't too many windows at the front we should be ok...only the half glass door to contend with....
My god woman, please let it go. Don't fixate on this.
BUT THE BACK! what if zombies tried to get into the back? three windows! how could we possibly contend with three windows?? OMG, we are screwed.
Sweet jesus, its turning into a movie sequence. This isn't going anywhere good.
What if we all holed up in our bedroom....then there would be only one door. Tyler could totally manage that. Could we outlast them? What if there were hordes of Zombies walking down are street? What would we do?
OK! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! STOP RIGHT THERE! And i got up and got a drink and calmed down then went back to bed.
fin.
I'm not sure if I'm pleased that I managed to shut it off, or upset because it got so far. Or upset because it started at all. I had some pretty creative anxiety during the PPD, it was never zombies (unilateral government control, and aliens but no zombies) and it got a lot worse, and I didn't recognize what was happening....but still. It isn't fun, to know part of my brain is back there. Yes of course I'm a little worried about the post partum period. This pregnancy having been so... .psychologically and emotionally challenging. How could I not?
And while i managed to shake it and fall asleep I woke with it still hanging on. Worried not about getting through today, but blowing little things wildly out of proportion. It was an awesome day to go on a field trip with the preschool...to the fire hall. "a bedroom door left open allows the fire (and toxic gas! and smoke!) to spread at this accelerated rate." "What if the parents died and the kids survived..." "bunk beds, cause children to be directly in the line of the hottest toxic air!"
Don't forget I'm already in the throws of some serious anxiety, and I'm trying to listen to a fireman talk about our house going up in flames.
awesome morning!
I was 20 mins late for the field trip, and upon arriving my excuse was 'I managed to get out of bed this morning, that alone deserves a gold star."
This isn't 'normal' this was by far the worst anxiety episode I've had this pregnancy....really since the post partum. The days before it were pretty good. Now the three days before that were...as you can read...not my best. But it was more depression instead of anxiety. Yes I'm splitting hairs.
So whats my point? I don't know. This sucks.
Will (like the food aversion problems with the 3rd pregnancy) this all go away after I have the baby? I think so? Hope so? am counting on it?
Am i ok? Yes. I still have that very clear consistent rational voice , and clearly am able to turn it off when I choose.
Am i being honest with those around me? Yes. This is like a little lesson in mental health for Tyler..."if I'm acting like this (enter symptoms of anxiety or depression) for more than a little while...you need to tell me, we need talk about it. Sometimes I don't recognize the depression part until I'm through it...and I need to you watch me, to tell me if i'm getting...foggy.
Should I be taking something? Yes I should be meditating, taking my B complex vitamins, and seeing both my acupuncturist and probably therapist. But some of those things need to wait. And one of those things gives me heartburn. As for legit pharmaceuticals.... my body has a really, really hard time processing most 'medications'. I take half a regular strength Tylenol for a headache on occasion. But anything stronger....well the symptoms so far have been worse than the problem. So antidepressants or anti anxiety meds are sort of a last resort. And again...this was one day. One really shitty thank god its over day. I think hormonally I'm owed at least a few really good days starting...in 17 minutes, when it is officially tomorrow.
so....can i go into labour now? please?
39weeks 3 days...going to bed.
S
I don't 'do' zombies. I don't read books involving them, I don't watch movies. All my supernatural energy goes into Vampires. So of course when anxiety strikes....of course it would be zombies.
Last night as i was trying to fall asleep, it suddenly occured to me...I didn't have a plan if Zombies attack.
I'll let that sink in for awhile.....
from here on out I will be using italics to indicate my rational thoughts.
Zombies? really?
But what if? What if they were trying to get into the house? What would I do...how would I protect the kids? How much ammo does tyler have in the house? (For the Hunting guns)
But really, we should be sleeping here. Zombies?
I don't know how to shoot a gun, how much help could I be? Omg...it would just be Tyler.....can you even shoot a zombie? Does that work?
Oh come on....this is anxiety talking, this is clearly not rational or real....we are not letting anxiety control us...lets go to sleep
Maybe I should learn to shoot a gun. There aren't too many windows at the front we should be ok...only the half glass door to contend with....
My god woman, please let it go. Don't fixate on this.
BUT THE BACK! what if zombies tried to get into the back? three windows! how could we possibly contend with three windows?? OMG, we are screwed.
Sweet jesus, its turning into a movie sequence. This isn't going anywhere good.
What if we all holed up in our bedroom....then there would be only one door. Tyler could totally manage that. Could we outlast them? What if there were hordes of Zombies walking down are street? What would we do?
OK! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! STOP RIGHT THERE! And i got up and got a drink and calmed down then went back to bed.
fin.
I'm not sure if I'm pleased that I managed to shut it off, or upset because it got so far. Or upset because it started at all. I had some pretty creative anxiety during the PPD, it was never zombies (unilateral government control, and aliens but no zombies) and it got a lot worse, and I didn't recognize what was happening....but still. It isn't fun, to know part of my brain is back there. Yes of course I'm a little worried about the post partum period. This pregnancy having been so... .psychologically and emotionally challenging. How could I not?
And while i managed to shake it and fall asleep I woke with it still hanging on. Worried not about getting through today, but blowing little things wildly out of proportion. It was an awesome day to go on a field trip with the preschool...to the fire hall. "a bedroom door left open allows the fire (and toxic gas! and smoke!) to spread at this accelerated rate." "What if the parents died and the kids survived..." "bunk beds, cause children to be directly in the line of the hottest toxic air!"
Don't forget I'm already in the throws of some serious anxiety, and I'm trying to listen to a fireman talk about our house going up in flames.
awesome morning!
I was 20 mins late for the field trip, and upon arriving my excuse was 'I managed to get out of bed this morning, that alone deserves a gold star."
This isn't 'normal' this was by far the worst anxiety episode I've had this pregnancy....really since the post partum. The days before it were pretty good. Now the three days before that were...as you can read...not my best. But it was more depression instead of anxiety. Yes I'm splitting hairs.
So whats my point? I don't know. This sucks.
Will (like the food aversion problems with the 3rd pregnancy) this all go away after I have the baby? I think so? Hope so? am counting on it?
Am i ok? Yes. I still have that very clear consistent rational voice , and clearly am able to turn it off when I choose.
Am i being honest with those around me? Yes. This is like a little lesson in mental health for Tyler..."if I'm acting like this (enter symptoms of anxiety or depression) for more than a little while...you need to tell me, we need talk about it. Sometimes I don't recognize the depression part until I'm through it...and I need to you watch me, to tell me if i'm getting...foggy.
Should I be taking something? Yes I should be meditating, taking my B complex vitamins, and seeing both my acupuncturist and probably therapist. But some of those things need to wait. And one of those things gives me heartburn. As for legit pharmaceuticals.... my body has a really, really hard time processing most 'medications'. I take half a regular strength Tylenol for a headache on occasion. But anything stronger....well the symptoms so far have been worse than the problem. So antidepressants or anti anxiety meds are sort of a last resort. And again...this was one day. One really shitty thank god its over day. I think hormonally I'm owed at least a few really good days starting...in 17 minutes, when it is officially tomorrow.
so....can i go into labour now? please?
39weeks 3 days...going to bed.
S
Sunday, October 14
Woke up this morning with some energy, and a list of stuff i wanted to do. The kids and Tyler were fabulous helpers. Managed about half the list. I felt so good when i woke up. Last night was 'thanksgiving' dinner with my in laws. I've been craving turkey for three weeks, I was pretty excited. Then...just before dinner I got sick. I don't even know how to describe it. The first couple hours it was just dizzy and pain and I needed to lay down. Then I couldn't stop burping (so classy) and when I stood up i was very nauseous. Threw up twice on the drive home.
So...gross. But as i said i felt way better this morning, best morning in awhile. Its funny how quickly wanting to spend all day sleeping and weeping becomes your normal.
Tomorrow Tyler is going to work in the office, they asked him to go out of town (MANITOBA) for a week. For real? It has been a very long time since Tyler has worked locally it's a little weird. But better than MANITOBA. Again, Manitoba.
Busy week. My Dad comes out to visit tomorrow night (and brings us dinner, YAY!). Hunter has School, Sage dance. Tuesday is school, soccer and preschool.
I don't have anymore guess dates for babies arrival on my calendar...it was getting to depressing motoring right by all those possibilities. My sister delivered both her kids on or before 38 weeks 5 days. Sage was born at 38 weeks 6 days (I think.). So at least we are moving into the realm of possibilities.
Ok....one night without wandering the house, pretty please. One night.
So...gross. But as i said i felt way better this morning, best morning in awhile. Its funny how quickly wanting to spend all day sleeping and weeping becomes your normal.
Tomorrow Tyler is going to work in the office, they asked him to go out of town (MANITOBA) for a week. For real? It has been a very long time since Tyler has worked locally it's a little weird. But better than MANITOBA. Again, Manitoba.
Busy week. My Dad comes out to visit tomorrow night (and brings us dinner, YAY!). Hunter has School, Sage dance. Tuesday is school, soccer and preschool.
I don't have anymore guess dates for babies arrival on my calendar...it was getting to depressing motoring right by all those possibilities. My sister delivered both her kids on or before 38 weeks 5 days. Sage was born at 38 weeks 6 days (I think.). So at least we are moving into the realm of possibilities.
Ok....one night without wandering the house, pretty please. One night.
Saturday, October 13
38 weeks 3days
I went to an acupuncture appointment today.
Instead of hearing:
Wow! Look how well you are progressing, here let me adjust a few things and I'm sure you'll be holding this baby in no time!
She said:
Wow! Baby seems really comfortable in there, really happy to stay there. Don't get your hopes up on him leaving early.
Which...follows the previously set pattern for the boys. We are not leaving without a membrane sweep and an 'extra' week in the womb.
Now in her defense in one session she also completely took the swelling in my ankles down. It was getting a bit intimidating, they were purple and swollen right up to the knee. Absolutely remarkable what two needles and an hour could do (in the right hands).
And for the record it was a bit of a relief to hear her say that i really didn't have any say in the matter. That baby* will pick the time and I can stop...obsessing over possible 'encouraging' tricks. I'm an analytical person to start with, and having a midwife who plays to my...evaluative self-reflective tendencies has been a lot of fun. Except when it hasn't because i can get a bit ....obsessed about it and that's not really productive at all.
eg: What fears and thought patterns are holding me back from having an early delivery? What self work can i do to 'clear' the way for an efficient easy delivery. And if i dont' do that work what kind of delivery am i setting myself up for? (aye there is the rub). Do the work or suffer the delivery!
* I find it really interesting (unsettling) that I am still referring to the baby as Baby. Despite being relatively sure we are going with Rowan William. When i say relatively I mean Tyler is completely 100% sure and I am still vaguely searching baby name books, without finding anything else. I said to my most wonderful acupuncturist....do you think it's because I'm not settled on his name ?
I just...I don't know! Its my favorite but it just doesn't feel....like it clicks. Like a puzzle piece that physically fits the spot but the colors don't exactly line up. Or it almost fits but you just have to push a bit. I dont' remember exactly how I felt about "Hunter" for Hunter. I know that people around me were far more sure than I was. And I'll say now...Hunter can be an aggressive name, and that kid doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body.
Sage? fits it hits her unique personality but isn't so far out there she can't pull it off. Jasper, Jasper is like the pinnacle of perfect baby naming. It never fails to draw (almost always good) comments and he suits it to a tee. And i was so sure, SO SURE about the middle two. And yes, I was so sure about Willow.
In other news:
Eating has been weird. I don't really want anything in the mornings, but by 2 or 3 I want to eat everything in the entire world! Today it was burgers, but good big burgers. So I hauled everyone into the city to have burgers, which i inhaled, along with two baskets of fries and half of Jasper's noodles.
Sleeping has also been fun. Instead of this 'large burst of energy at the end of term' I'm frickin exhausted. All I want to do is sleep, or cry as of two days ago. Just let me cry. I think that has helped with all the naps. Tyler would rather i be unconscious than sobbing. Tonight i was exhausted at 8, so I was asleep by 8:30. Jasper was up crying an hour ago and I've been up since. Physically i'm still exhausted but mentally i can't shut it off again. So here I am purging my brain on the internet. (He just woke crying again, so i guess it hasn't been a compete waste...I was already up and functioning. He laughed through a diaper change that he insisted on? Pulled out the change pad and laid down on it ?? Diaper was clean. Anyway Changed him then he climbed back into bed and promptly fell asleeep.)
Tonight was Hunters first indoor soccer practise/game. It was amazing. He still hasn't hit is stride at the new school (tamped down maternal anxiety and fear), but last night he just flew. It was a structure he is used to, and skills he knows he excels at. To see him...confidant and flying around that field did my heart really good. Now...Jasper also wanted to run around (the blessedly indoor) activity center, and Sage was sick and just wanted to sit on my lap. But! Tyler was there and so I was able to sit and watch Hunter glow. It was also nice to visit with a few of the Moms I haven't seen since spring (or earlier). Upon seeing my somewhat pregnant looking belly the common response seems to be "I didnt know you were pregnant again! Do you know how that happens?" My deadpan response "No, but don't worry i'm taking a class after this one." It doesn't bother me nearly as much as it would have previously.
Ok...now that an unnecessary diaper change is out of the way, and my head cleared a bit. I'm going to try to go back to sleep.
Night people.
s
Instead of hearing:
Wow! Look how well you are progressing, here let me adjust a few things and I'm sure you'll be holding this baby in no time!
She said:
Wow! Baby seems really comfortable in there, really happy to stay there. Don't get your hopes up on him leaving early.
Which...follows the previously set pattern for the boys. We are not leaving without a membrane sweep and an 'extra' week in the womb.
Now in her defense in one session she also completely took the swelling in my ankles down. It was getting a bit intimidating, they were purple and swollen right up to the knee. Absolutely remarkable what two needles and an hour could do (in the right hands).
And for the record it was a bit of a relief to hear her say that i really didn't have any say in the matter. That baby* will pick the time and I can stop...obsessing over possible 'encouraging' tricks. I'm an analytical person to start with, and having a midwife who plays to my...evaluative self-reflective tendencies has been a lot of fun. Except when it hasn't because i can get a bit ....obsessed about it and that's not really productive at all.
eg: What fears and thought patterns are holding me back from having an early delivery? What self work can i do to 'clear' the way for an efficient easy delivery. And if i dont' do that work what kind of delivery am i setting myself up for? (aye there is the rub). Do the work or suffer the delivery!
* I find it really interesting (unsettling) that I am still referring to the baby as Baby. Despite being relatively sure we are going with Rowan William. When i say relatively I mean Tyler is completely 100% sure and I am still vaguely searching baby name books, without finding anything else. I said to my most wonderful acupuncturist....do you think it's because I'm not settled on his name ?
I just...I don't know! Its my favorite but it just doesn't feel....like it clicks. Like a puzzle piece that physically fits the spot but the colors don't exactly line up. Or it almost fits but you just have to push a bit. I dont' remember exactly how I felt about "Hunter" for Hunter. I know that people around me were far more sure than I was. And I'll say now...Hunter can be an aggressive name, and that kid doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body.
Sage? fits it hits her unique personality but isn't so far out there she can't pull it off. Jasper, Jasper is like the pinnacle of perfect baby naming. It never fails to draw (almost always good) comments and he suits it to a tee. And i was so sure, SO SURE about the middle two. And yes, I was so sure about Willow.
In other news:
Eating has been weird. I don't really want anything in the mornings, but by 2 or 3 I want to eat everything in the entire world! Today it was burgers, but good big burgers. So I hauled everyone into the city to have burgers, which i inhaled, along with two baskets of fries and half of Jasper's noodles.
Sleeping has also been fun. Instead of this 'large burst of energy at the end of term' I'm frickin exhausted. All I want to do is sleep, or cry as of two days ago. Just let me cry. I think that has helped with all the naps. Tyler would rather i be unconscious than sobbing. Tonight i was exhausted at 8, so I was asleep by 8:30. Jasper was up crying an hour ago and I've been up since. Physically i'm still exhausted but mentally i can't shut it off again. So here I am purging my brain on the internet. (He just woke crying again, so i guess it hasn't been a compete waste...I was already up and functioning. He laughed through a diaper change that he insisted on? Pulled out the change pad and laid down on it ?? Diaper was clean. Anyway Changed him then he climbed back into bed and promptly fell asleeep.)
Tonight was Hunters first indoor soccer practise/game. It was amazing. He still hasn't hit is stride at the new school (tamped down maternal anxiety and fear), but last night he just flew. It was a structure he is used to, and skills he knows he excels at. To see him...confidant and flying around that field did my heart really good. Now...Jasper also wanted to run around (the blessedly indoor) activity center, and Sage was sick and just wanted to sit on my lap. But! Tyler was there and so I was able to sit and watch Hunter glow. It was also nice to visit with a few of the Moms I haven't seen since spring (or earlier). Upon seeing my somewhat pregnant looking belly the common response seems to be "I didnt know you were pregnant again! Do you know how that happens?" My deadpan response "No, but don't worry i'm taking a class after this one." It doesn't bother me nearly as much as it would have previously.
Ok...now that an unnecessary diaper change is out of the way, and my head cleared a bit. I'm going to try to go back to sleep.
Night people.
s
Sunday, October 7
le sigh.
Yesterday morning started wtih super intense leg/foot cramps (4-5am). The pain was amazing.
When i found relief from those i went to bed to have four or five consistent (non painful) contractions. Which i debated timing but decided against. And it didn't stop. All day despite a bath, nap, super fluid intake, bananas and cal/mag. All day I had these decently spaced 'stop and take a breath' noticeable but not 'double you over in pain' contractions. At first i was...woah! whats going on here? I'm pretty sure there is a list on the wall in there that says:
To exit:
1) break bag of waters
2) labour will start.
But! Then i realized it is a long weekend, there is no pressing schedule to keep up. The kids have complete flexibility in their schedule. We've got people here, Tyler is home. Today would be a great day to have a baby! Except I didnt'. I just had contractions all day. The first part of the day I got the house picked up from the massive awesome play date we had Friday (and Wednesday), while drinking water constantly and started the laundry. Then napped and tried to move things along by going to the Corn Maze and walking. I did have three contractions in the maze, but those only one of those stopped me from walking.
Then we went to my in laws for dinner. Best thing ever at this moment, cook me dinner BTW I essentially invited myself out for dinner and I still cried with joy when they confirmed we could come.. It must have been right after dinner i started getting frustrated. So many contractions, no closer to baby. I was tired, I was still contracting. It wasn't pretty.
I know Braxton Hicks or practise contractions, or false labour is suppose to get more intense with subsequent pregnancies. I know it is suppose to start earlier (although this is the first bout for me this round).
But let me regale you with tales of how done I am.
I cannot manage three children well right now. I am easily overwhelmed by two simultaneous request, much less three. It isn't as much the physical part that's got me to the end of my rope, its the mental part. I understand now how people could look at me, fully functional with three and be confused how i could handle it. I didnt' understand before, I didn't get it. It just didn't phase me. I don't know why...but now? Now it makes me want to run to my room and hide. And thank God Tyler is home. Because dinner is the worst time. You need to be two steps ahead with dinner or its Pb and J every, single. night. And I'm pleased managing to be somewhat not that far behind, much less two steps ahead. I've prided myself for so long being able to say "no...its ok...I've got this" that I'm not sure people hear the difference when i say "I dont' have this. I need help".
Yes I can meet their basic needs, yes I can get them to school on time, and keep up with a schedule. But i used to do it really, really well. I used to excel. Now? Now i get flustered, I dont' take that breath before getting mad or overwhelmed. I just react. And then I'm swamped with guilt because...i know i can do better than this. Because it was my (and Tyler's) decision to have a fourth. Not the kids. They shouldn't be carrying the brunt of the consequences for our decision. Yes there would have to be changes, and there will continue to be changes when Rowan is here. But this? This snappy unpredictable, reactionary mother? This should not be part of the package. I can accept that there will be physical things i cannot/should not do, limitations they will just have to accept. But to loose space mentally? To loose that step back, the pause that allows me to think than act....that's too much.
I dont' think having a newborn and total lack of sleep will be a magic bullet that will fix everything. I dont' think everything Will get better immediately. That i will regain sanity at a time of intense hormonal fluctuation. But I DO know that it doesn't get better until after that. The interrupted sleep, the nursing hormones, the post partum roller coaster, all of that is going to happened it just won't start until after the birth. I'm not sitting here begging for two more weeks of this as if it were sanity before embarking on the newborn ride.
My frustration coming through?
I'm clinging to the knowledge that this isn't who I am. This isn't how i parent and that I will get that breath back, I will get the mental space back. Because moments where I loose that, when i forget that (and am tired). I freak right out. I get stuck in 'what have I done?' What have i given up for this?
I'm still contracting. My back is aching. I know things must be moving ahead somewhat. I'm going back to bed. hmmm....wonder if my acupuncturist could help encourage things? Or at least give me back some balance....of course its a long weekend.
S
When i found relief from those i went to bed to have four or five consistent (non painful) contractions. Which i debated timing but decided against. And it didn't stop. All day despite a bath, nap, super fluid intake, bananas and cal/mag. All day I had these decently spaced 'stop and take a breath' noticeable but not 'double you over in pain' contractions. At first i was...woah! whats going on here? I'm pretty sure there is a list on the wall in there that says:
To exit:
1) break bag of waters
2) labour will start.
But! Then i realized it is a long weekend, there is no pressing schedule to keep up. The kids have complete flexibility in their schedule. We've got people here, Tyler is home. Today would be a great day to have a baby! Except I didnt'. I just had contractions all day. The first part of the day I got the house picked up from the massive awesome play date we had Friday (and Wednesday), while drinking water constantly and started the laundry. Then napped and tried to move things along by going to the Corn Maze and walking. I did have three contractions in the maze, but those only one of those stopped me from walking.
Then we went to my in laws for dinner. Best thing ever at this moment, cook me dinner BTW I essentially invited myself out for dinner and I still cried with joy when they confirmed we could come.. It must have been right after dinner i started getting frustrated. So many contractions, no closer to baby. I was tired, I was still contracting. It wasn't pretty.
I know Braxton Hicks or practise contractions, or false labour is suppose to get more intense with subsequent pregnancies. I know it is suppose to start earlier (although this is the first bout for me this round).
But let me regale you with tales of how done I am.
I cannot manage three children well right now. I am easily overwhelmed by two simultaneous request, much less three. It isn't as much the physical part that's got me to the end of my rope, its the mental part. I understand now how people could look at me, fully functional with three and be confused how i could handle it. I didnt' understand before, I didn't get it. It just didn't phase me. I don't know why...but now? Now it makes me want to run to my room and hide. And thank God Tyler is home. Because dinner is the worst time. You need to be two steps ahead with dinner or its Pb and J every, single. night. And I'm pleased managing to be somewhat not that far behind, much less two steps ahead. I've prided myself for so long being able to say "no...its ok...I've got this" that I'm not sure people hear the difference when i say "I dont' have this. I need help".
Yes I can meet their basic needs, yes I can get them to school on time, and keep up with a schedule. But i used to do it really, really well. I used to excel. Now? Now i get flustered, I dont' take that breath before getting mad or overwhelmed. I just react. And then I'm swamped with guilt because...i know i can do better than this. Because it was my (and Tyler's) decision to have a fourth. Not the kids. They shouldn't be carrying the brunt of the consequences for our decision. Yes there would have to be changes, and there will continue to be changes when Rowan is here. But this? This snappy unpredictable, reactionary mother? This should not be part of the package. I can accept that there will be physical things i cannot/should not do, limitations they will just have to accept. But to loose space mentally? To loose that step back, the pause that allows me to think than act....that's too much.
I dont' think having a newborn and total lack of sleep will be a magic bullet that will fix everything. I dont' think everything Will get better immediately. That i will regain sanity at a time of intense hormonal fluctuation. But I DO know that it doesn't get better until after that. The interrupted sleep, the nursing hormones, the post partum roller coaster, all of that is going to happened it just won't start until after the birth. I'm not sitting here begging for two more weeks of this as if it were sanity before embarking on the newborn ride.
My frustration coming through?
I'm clinging to the knowledge that this isn't who I am. This isn't how i parent and that I will get that breath back, I will get the mental space back. Because moments where I loose that, when i forget that (and am tired). I freak right out. I get stuck in 'what have I done?' What have i given up for this?
I'm still contracting. My back is aching. I know things must be moving ahead somewhat. I'm going back to bed. hmmm....wonder if my acupuncturist could help encourage things? Or at least give me back some balance....of course its a long weekend.
S
Sunday, September 30
Last day of September!
Well,
Tyler isn't in Kamloops anymore. He is in Provost but because he controls his own travel (get in the car and go, instead of go to airport wait for plane, connection, ect) there is some extra...comfort in that fact. We picked him up at 8pm and he drove out at 9am the following morning.
This week is crazy. Hunter has swim lessons with his class every day, which pushes back his lunch time by an hour and negates the joy of hot lunch. Sage has sweet talked her Nana into taking her swimming on Tuesday after preschool. Dance on Monday and her second day of school is Thursday. We hare having a play date with two moms on Wednesday, and another on Friday. Thank god for the bus! Let me say it again, thank god for the bus!
I met with my (our? the?) doula tonight. We knew each other through the midwife program I used with Jasper but it was nice to show her around the new house and reconnect before delivery. I am 37 weeks on tuesday, which is great.
Baby is allegedly putting on .5-1 lb a week at this point.
I had crazy dream last night about delivery, and a wildly emotional moment a few days ago when I was all "Boo, hooo, my last pregnancy, boo hoo" So i've let go of some of the pressure to have the baby RIGHT NOW! I still rather not go late, but if the very beginning of the month doesnt' work out I won't be pacing madly.
I have to say this has been the best physical pregnancy so far. Unless i sit on the ikea sectional couch my hips are fine, I can roll over in bed, I can get up and squat down. I can even pick Jasper (30lbs) up from a deep squat. I dont' do it often but i can if i need to. Now there are a few things I don't tempt fate with. Going tot he park with all three kids is out, taking Hunter bike riding (he still needs a push to start), shopping. Jasper enjoys the bolting and while i can pick him up and carry him if he is compliant. When he does not want to...I choose not to fight him. Or chase him. So i minimize the time i need to do those things. We really need groceries though.
Tyler isn't in Kamloops anymore. He is in Provost but because he controls his own travel (get in the car and go, instead of go to airport wait for plane, connection, ect) there is some extra...comfort in that fact. We picked him up at 8pm and he drove out at 9am the following morning.
This week is crazy. Hunter has swim lessons with his class every day, which pushes back his lunch time by an hour and negates the joy of hot lunch. Sage has sweet talked her Nana into taking her swimming on Tuesday after preschool. Dance on Monday and her second day of school is Thursday. We hare having a play date with two moms on Wednesday, and another on Friday. Thank god for the bus! Let me say it again, thank god for the bus!
I met with my (our? the?) doula tonight. We knew each other through the midwife program I used with Jasper but it was nice to show her around the new house and reconnect before delivery. I am 37 weeks on tuesday, which is great.
Baby is allegedly putting on .5-1 lb a week at this point.
I had crazy dream last night about delivery, and a wildly emotional moment a few days ago when I was all "Boo, hooo, my last pregnancy, boo hoo" So i've let go of some of the pressure to have the baby RIGHT NOW! I still rather not go late, but if the very beginning of the month doesnt' work out I won't be pacing madly.
I have to say this has been the best physical pregnancy so far. Unless i sit on the ikea sectional couch my hips are fine, I can roll over in bed, I can get up and squat down. I can even pick Jasper (30lbs) up from a deep squat. I dont' do it often but i can if i need to. Now there are a few things I don't tempt fate with. Going tot he park with all three kids is out, taking Hunter bike riding (he still needs a push to start), shopping. Jasper enjoys the bolting and while i can pick him up and carry him if he is compliant. When he does not want to...I choose not to fight him. Or chase him. So i minimize the time i need to do those things. We really need groceries though.
Saturday, September 22
whew!
Between the dropping, and the weird feelings. I was a little worried that yesterday was early labour. Worried you ask? Worried? when for the last 35 weeks you've been gently reminding the growing fetus that earlier would be better than later? Well....he really needs to wait 3 more sleeps. 3 measly sleeps! Otherwise it going to be all...hospital and stuff and despite having many, many lists made in preparation for many different scenarios....going into a hospital because I'm not 36 weeks is not a plan I have. Well I woke up to his little butt pushed against my ribs (see no longer engaged), and feeling more normal that the day before. So...you know...whew.
Today was not my best morning. I woke up tired (Jasper up through the night crying), and irritable. Instead of doing the thing I knew would be good for the long run: healthy breakfast. I atethree (four?) enough haystack cookies to feel the buzz. This was not a good decision...but I could have told you that as i was chewing. I, predictably, spiked then crashed HARD. Hard enough that i was snappy, irritable and called Tyler crying. It was just too much this morning. The hormones totally started it but I definitely didn't help with the sugar and caffeine and sugar. Having a good cry helped, having a two hour nap really helped.
People sometimes look at me skeptically and say 'i just don't know how you do it'
I could not possibly do it, could not be having a fourth if not for my three amazing kids. Hunter and Sage are so responsible, so mature. Jasper is fairly independent. They are all very social and outgoing. They play together (for the most part) exceptionally well, and they look out for each other.
I am wildly blessed.
Today was not my best morning. I woke up tired (Jasper up through the night crying), and irritable. Instead of doing the thing I knew would be good for the long run: healthy breakfast. I ate
People sometimes look at me skeptically and say 'i just don't know how you do it'
I could not possibly do it, could not be having a fourth if not for my three amazing kids. Hunter and Sage are so responsible, so mature. Jasper is fairly independent. They are all very social and outgoing. They play together (for the most part) exceptionally well, and they look out for each other.
I am wildly blessed.
Friday, September 21
We have engagement!
Holy Rowan dropped today! It doesn't mean much but doing any sort of squat feels very risky. and there is this ridiculous slope to my belly no longer viable as a shelf, that's for sure. Do you think he might be listening to me?
Again...this means very little as babies can drop very early and stay engaged. And they only really count it as significant in the first pregnancy, and even then its an indicator of maybe 2-3 weeks until delivery.
BUT! He has dropped I can breathe easily! I cannot travel far from a bathroom. Good trade.
BTW, I had no heartburn this pregnancy, none! Very impressive fourth child! I managed my first night without getting up 3 times to straighten leg cramps. And I seem to have (if only temporarily) solved the hip problem...don't sit still for too long. Watching a movie? Bad idea. Frequent movement keeps the pain to a minimum.
Again...this means very little as babies can drop very early and stay engaged. And they only really count it as significant in the first pregnancy, and even then its an indicator of maybe 2-3 weeks until delivery.
BUT! He has dropped I can breathe easily! I cannot travel far from a bathroom. Good trade.
BTW, I had no heartburn this pregnancy, none! Very impressive fourth child! I managed my first night without getting up 3 times to straighten leg cramps. And I seem to have (if only temporarily) solved the hip problem...don't sit still for too long. Watching a movie? Bad idea. Frequent movement keeps the pain to a minimum.
Thursday, September 20
yup...
As usual Tylers departure was wildly anti climatic. It's possible that is the most used word on this blog, anti climatic. Anyway. He left and the world did not fall apart. I successfully negotiated bus pick ups and lunch packing and preschool and dance chauffeuring. I put the house back together and caught up on laundry. I've mostly fed the kids, had them in bed on time. We almost missed the bus today but didn't. I organized my room, obtain and organized the birth stuff, and set up, tested and dismantled the birth pool. Also trekked the entire way around Edmonton, spent four hours circling the county, and borrowed a birth stool. Its been ...productive.
Tomorrow is Friday (please let it be Friday!). I'd say then we are one week down, one week to go. Except even when Tyler flies home, he is heading right back out for the annual goose hunting venture. So that wouldnt' be true.
The kids are settling into routine (Thank You! Thank You!). Hunter is still not wholly comfortable at the new school, but has a friend who he plays with at recess and they ride the transfer station -school bus together. Sage it turns out...wanted more responsibility not less. She has regular 'jobs' and is 'allowed' to do things Hunter was allowed to do at that age. She is firmly in the oldest role when Hunter is at school...this alleviates almost all of the baby talk, tantrums, and outright defiance. Then Hunter comes home and well....that's not smooth...Don't worry kids...soon there will be a younger sibling for each of you! Don't fight over who gets to help Jasper with his (insert any activity you can imagine here).
Speaking of...when all three of us (Sage, Jasper and I) go to the bus stop to pick up Hunter at the end of the day. Jasper waits looking for the bus, waits beside me while the other kids unload, spots Hunter and spreads his arms wide open and runs towards him. Hunter has so far always responded with a huge hug and smile. Speaking of Jasper he now says "T/DUck" I dont' know what the first sound is. But the word means: Stuck (like today when i put him into a bin display of pillows and he slowly sunk out of sight), Truck and Duck. He also says "Go, OUT". and many other things I cannot think of right now. APPLE! it just switched to apple...before it was more like A-Pooo. also something close to 'ilk' which actually means drink most often water but sometimes milk. This morning when he woke up...Sage was standing with me, and instead of the customary morning snuggle with me...he grabbed Sages hand and gestured to his room "Choo-choo?". Which translates into: Sage will you come play trains with me? Too cute.
Sage has been testing out Rowan for me...she even pull Rowan William out today. Mind you that was when we were 'playing having babies'. Which in a different house probably looks/sounds rather different than it does here. Maybe not in a midwives/doulas home...but here we need a bucket to catch the placenta and wow was the birthing stool a fun! new! item! to include in our play. It has given me lots of opportunities to talk to the kids/her about expectations post delivery. Today we put emphasis on the mommy resting after delivery and the first visit from the siblings. Sage was the mom and I was her older daughter...(Sage only has girls for the record). I asked if i could jump on the bed? Sit on her stomach? Could she get up and get me a snack? (to which she said YES! and jumped out of bed......woah...hold on there lady!) Could i take the baby downstairs? Then we went over things I could do: snuggle with mom, read books, hold the baby, talk about school/dance, bedtime snuggles. We also discussed playing 'having babies' at other peoples houses, and out they might not be comfortable with it (or know exactly how that happens). No gaurentees that she won't enact a birth for the letter "b" show and share day...but at least she will be accurate. What starts with the letter 'P' kids? PLACENTA! again, at least she would be able to expalin what it was....thats a good thing, right? I swear my kids will ace sex ed, if its the last thing I do.
Hunter has his second spelling test tomorrow...Do and Be seem to be ok...but he is struggleing with IS...can't blame the kids I and E can be confusing.
AND....somehow i lost about 15 mins today. I left onl slightly late to pick Sage up from Preschool, but despite not hitting any red lights, trains or other speed impediments I was 15 mins late. This had the dad who i asked on tuesday to be a backup driver for sage if i was in labour, and the teacher both convinced i was infact in labour and just hadn't called. ooops.Sorry people, thank you this was a test run. I promise I will call...I have a Phone Tree! Its ok. I'm prepared.
Tomorrow is Friday (please let it be Friday!). I'd say then we are one week down, one week to go. Except even when Tyler flies home, he is heading right back out for the annual goose hunting venture. So that wouldnt' be true.
The kids are settling into routine (Thank You! Thank You!). Hunter is still not wholly comfortable at the new school, but has a friend who he plays with at recess and they ride the transfer station -school bus together. Sage it turns out...wanted more responsibility not less. She has regular 'jobs' and is 'allowed' to do things Hunter was allowed to do at that age. She is firmly in the oldest role when Hunter is at school...this alleviates almost all of the baby talk, tantrums, and outright defiance. Then Hunter comes home and well....that's not smooth...Don't worry kids...soon there will be a younger sibling for each of you! Don't fight over who gets to help Jasper with his (insert any activity you can imagine here).
Speaking of...when all three of us (Sage, Jasper and I) go to the bus stop to pick up Hunter at the end of the day. Jasper waits looking for the bus, waits beside me while the other kids unload, spots Hunter and spreads his arms wide open and runs towards him. Hunter has so far always responded with a huge hug and smile. Speaking of Jasper he now says "T/DUck" I dont' know what the first sound is. But the word means: Stuck (like today when i put him into a bin display of pillows and he slowly sunk out of sight), Truck and Duck. He also says "Go, OUT". and many other things I cannot think of right now. APPLE! it just switched to apple...before it was more like A-Pooo. also something close to 'ilk' which actually means drink most often water but sometimes milk. This morning when he woke up...Sage was standing with me, and instead of the customary morning snuggle with me...he grabbed Sages hand and gestured to his room "Choo-choo?". Which translates into: Sage will you come play trains with me? Too cute.
Sage has been testing out Rowan for me...she even pull Rowan William out today. Mind you that was when we were 'playing having babies'. Which in a different house probably looks/sounds rather different than it does here. Maybe not in a midwives/doulas home...but here we need a bucket to catch the placenta and wow was the birthing stool a fun! new! item! to include in our play. It has given me lots of opportunities to talk to the kids/her about expectations post delivery. Today we put emphasis on the mommy resting after delivery and the first visit from the siblings. Sage was the mom and I was her older daughter...(Sage only has girls for the record). I asked if i could jump on the bed? Sit on her stomach? Could she get up and get me a snack? (to which she said YES! and jumped out of bed......woah...hold on there lady!) Could i take the baby downstairs? Then we went over things I could do: snuggle with mom, read books, hold the baby, talk about school/dance, bedtime snuggles. We also discussed playing 'having babies' at other peoples houses, and out they might not be comfortable with it (or know exactly how that happens). No gaurentees that she won't enact a birth for the letter "b" show and share day...but at least she will be accurate. What starts with the letter 'P' kids? PLACENTA! again, at least she would be able to expalin what it was....thats a good thing, right? I swear my kids will ace sex ed, if its the last thing I do.
Hunter has his second spelling test tomorrow...Do and Be seem to be ok...but he is struggleing with IS...can't blame the kids I and E can be confusing.
AND....somehow i lost about 15 mins today. I left onl slightly late to pick Sage up from Preschool, but despite not hitting any red lights, trains or other speed impediments I was 15 mins late. This had the dad who i asked on tuesday to be a backup driver for sage if i was in labour, and the teacher both convinced i was infact in labour and just hadn't called. ooops.Sorry people, thank you this was a test run. I promise I will call...I have a Phone Tree! Its ok. I'm prepared.
Saturday, September 15
It has come to this...
It is 1:53am 9 hours before Tyler flies out to Kamloops. I have been coping with this by spending a ton of money at Safeway...and completely stocking the house with food. And also Gorging myself with that food.
That was during daylight when i had a lot of distractions. Now? Now there are no distractions and I am reduced to asking an online magic 8 ball when i will go into labour, if Tyler will be here, if childcare will go smoothly. I did write out all the phone numbers I will need when Labour starts. It should be noted that Tyler is number 6 on the list. (midwife, doula, childcare, Hunters School, Sage's School, Tyler). That order changes somewhat depending on time of day (or night) and where (kids, support people, Tyler) they are. Although since he will be in Kamloops for the first two weeks (no way he'll make it back) and Provost for the next week. My care (which includes someone to watch the children) comes first. Then I will call him.
And i get it. I freaked out in March 2008 before sage was born because it felt like everybody scattered, Tyler was Ice fishing on Slave Lake. And He was working 45 mins away when Hunter was Due. And I'm too lazy to look it up, but I'm sure there was something similar with Jasper. And i let this stuff get me all worked up, when in reality. All three kids were very courteous about timing. All three times my water broke while Tyler was home! Hell he had time to bake a cake each time. So part of my brain knows that this isn't really worth worrying about. AND I won't be 38 weeks until 3 days after he gets home. So I get it, in some small portion of my brain being held at bay by the large freaked out part that say...YEAH BUT WHAT IF?
Usually having a plan helps combat the freaking out. So making the 'who to call' list was helpful. It is wonderful to know how much support i Have and how many people are willing to help out if i need it. The neighbour has deligated herself official help person. Which is nice because Hunter and her daughter go to the same school, and Hunter loves playing at their house, as does Sage. The doula I'm using this time offered to bring her daughter if it is at night, (she lives very close), to cover childcare until someone else arrives. The plan at night is: if everyone is sleeping ...call childcare person most available, have them come over.... but don't wake the kids up unless they wake up on their own. Have overnight bags/van/everything ready to leave and if one wakes... sweep all three out. But given my history of fast labours and the fact I'll be labouring two floors away, with the door closed, and the knowledge that my children are sleeping in the basement. There is a chance they could sleep right through it. OR because i like to change my mind as labour begins....have someone wake and take them immediately.
During the day gets a bit hairier....(and less likely? water broke at 1am, 7:30am and 4am. I am most productive in the mornings.) Anyway it comes down to who is working, and who is available, and who is at school. Which i cannot (nor can the magic eight ball) predict until it happens. Suffice to say 6 backup people for the kids will cover pretty much any situation. Including literally shooing them over to the neighbours house.
Somewhere in those calls I'm going to set up a birth tub. Which fits very nicely in my bedroom! I had tyler unroll it (not inflate) tonight to make sure no furniture needed to be moved to accommodate it. In reality we could blow it up in the closet, there is that much space.
So the next few days will be tying down as many loose ends as I can, like getting the things I need here for the birth, and packing over night bags for the kids, and having everything collected in my bedroom ready to prep (plastic sheets, floor coverings, towels).
Oh...and I'm sick. My eyes are watery, and itchy. My sinus are stuffed up and my nose is congested. AWESOME! Sage just finished with this so I know it has a 3ish day run. Excellent timing Shannon! What happened to my super pregnancy immunity? Stress you say?
The vitamin C I've been pushing on Hunter seems to be working, he is the one most exposed to new! fun! germs, but so far (knock on wood) has not succumbed.
Hey, anyone want to move in for three weeks? You can have your own room! I won't dump alot of work on you....mostly I'd go over my who to phone list and possibly talk you crazy:). Really the first week will be fine...the next two would be nice though. Can't promise much for the food, but there will be food. And three kids, fun, fun fun :)
off to google some useless statistics about women who go into labour in the 37th week, for their fourth pregnancies.
That was during daylight when i had a lot of distractions. Now? Now there are no distractions and I am reduced to asking an online magic 8 ball when i will go into labour, if Tyler will be here, if childcare will go smoothly. I did write out all the phone numbers I will need when Labour starts. It should be noted that Tyler is number 6 on the list. (midwife, doula, childcare, Hunters School, Sage's School, Tyler). That order changes somewhat depending on time of day (or night) and where (kids, support people, Tyler) they are. Although since he will be in Kamloops for the first two weeks (no way he'll make it back) and Provost for the next week. My care (which includes someone to watch the children) comes first. Then I will call him.
And i get it. I freaked out in March 2008 before sage was born because it felt like everybody scattered, Tyler was Ice fishing on Slave Lake. And He was working 45 mins away when Hunter was Due. And I'm too lazy to look it up, but I'm sure there was something similar with Jasper. And i let this stuff get me all worked up, when in reality. All three kids were very courteous about timing. All three times my water broke while Tyler was home! Hell he had time to bake a cake each time. So part of my brain knows that this isn't really worth worrying about. AND I won't be 38 weeks until 3 days after he gets home. So I get it, in some small portion of my brain being held at bay by the large freaked out part that say...YEAH BUT WHAT IF?
Usually having a plan helps combat the freaking out. So making the 'who to call' list was helpful. It is wonderful to know how much support i Have and how many people are willing to help out if i need it. The neighbour has deligated herself official help person. Which is nice because Hunter and her daughter go to the same school, and Hunter loves playing at their house, as does Sage. The doula I'm using this time offered to bring her daughter if it is at night, (she lives very close), to cover childcare until someone else arrives. The plan at night is: if everyone is sleeping ...call childcare person most available, have them come over.... but don't wake the kids up unless they wake up on their own. Have overnight bags/van/everything ready to leave and if one wakes... sweep all three out. But given my history of fast labours and the fact I'll be labouring two floors away, with the door closed, and the knowledge that my children are sleeping in the basement. There is a chance they could sleep right through it. OR because i like to change my mind as labour begins....have someone wake and take them immediately.
During the day gets a bit hairier....(and less likely? water broke at 1am, 7:30am and 4am. I am most productive in the mornings.) Anyway it comes down to who is working, and who is available, and who is at school. Which i cannot (nor can the magic eight ball) predict until it happens. Suffice to say 6 backup people for the kids will cover pretty much any situation. Including literally shooing them over to the neighbours house.
Somewhere in those calls I'm going to set up a birth tub. Which fits very nicely in my bedroom! I had tyler unroll it (not inflate) tonight to make sure no furniture needed to be moved to accommodate it. In reality we could blow it up in the closet, there is that much space.
So the next few days will be tying down as many loose ends as I can, like getting the things I need here for the birth, and packing over night bags for the kids, and having everything collected in my bedroom ready to prep (plastic sheets, floor coverings, towels).
Oh...and I'm sick. My eyes are watery, and itchy. My sinus are stuffed up and my nose is congested. AWESOME! Sage just finished with this so I know it has a 3ish day run. Excellent timing Shannon! What happened to my super pregnancy immunity? Stress you say?
The vitamin C I've been pushing on Hunter seems to be working, he is the one most exposed to new! fun! germs, but so far (knock on wood) has not succumbed.
Hey, anyone want to move in for three weeks? You can have your own room! I won't dump alot of work on you....mostly I'd go over my who to phone list and possibly talk you crazy:). Really the first week will be fine...the next two would be nice though. Can't promise much for the food, but there will be food. And three kids, fun, fun fun :)
off to google some useless statistics about women who go into labour in the 37th week, for their fourth pregnancies.
Thursday, September 13
Best $40.00 ever!
A 'friend' (of the facebook variety, rather than the actual real life variety), was getting rid of her mat clothes and I picked them up. Most are too small already, but I was so excited to wear a 'new' shirt and actually maternity jean that fit. THEN yesterday there was a woman selling two bins of mat clothes locally for 40.00 and I scooped them up right away. Because of the most! fun! date night, ever! I didn't get to look in the bins until late last night. OMG, I hit the jackpot. So much so that my first thought upon waking )at 4:00, again. Was I get to wear 'new' clothes today! I even have to choose which of the new outfits to wear out with my Mom and Sister tonight! I get to choose and It won't be by default!
i dont' consider myself an overly vain person, I dont' think i have a ton of clothes or spend a fortune on clothes. But the giddy excitement that accompanied the realization that I don't need to wear the same four shirts, one pair of sweat pants and an overly stretched pair of leggings for the next 3,4 or 6 weeks was really, really, nice.
Speaking of the Best Date Night Ever . It was a maternity appointment. I have to express some respect for Tyler's willingness to be honest about his feelings on a Home birth. Despite overwhelming pressure to be silent (unintentional, I think). He was sitting in a room with 6 woman, three spouses and a midwife (who had an awful hospital delivery experience yesterday morning with one of her other moms) who are all committed to having their babies at home. When asked if there were any questions, all men were silent. Except Tyler who fessed up to much rather having a hospital birth and really not being comfortable with the idea of delivering at home. It would have been much easier for him to stay silent, but he spoke up which was impressive. I'm not sure if the 'this is what you do if baby arrives before the midwife lecture' did anything to help his mindset. but he did carry the birth pool home so...I know he is trying to wrap his mind around the idea.
And yes I remember being through all of this before, from the clothes (I was down to pajama pants ...still have them btw), to Tyler's resistance to a home birth. So it all feels a bit like deja vu.
But I have new clothes! Multiple clothes! That fit! yay!
i dont' consider myself an overly vain person, I dont' think i have a ton of clothes or spend a fortune on clothes. But the giddy excitement that accompanied the realization that I don't need to wear the same four shirts, one pair of sweat pants and an overly stretched pair of leggings for the next 3,4 or 6 weeks was really, really, nice.
Speaking of the Best Date Night Ever . It was a maternity appointment. I have to express some respect for Tyler's willingness to be honest about his feelings on a Home birth. Despite overwhelming pressure to be silent (unintentional, I think). He was sitting in a room with 6 woman, three spouses and a midwife (who had an awful hospital delivery experience yesterday morning with one of her other moms) who are all committed to having their babies at home. When asked if there were any questions, all men were silent. Except Tyler who fessed up to much rather having a hospital birth and really not being comfortable with the idea of delivering at home. It would have been much easier for him to stay silent, but he spoke up which was impressive. I'm not sure if the 'this is what you do if baby arrives before the midwife lecture' did anything to help his mindset. but he did carry the birth pool home so...I know he is trying to wrap his mind around the idea.
And yes I remember being through all of this before, from the clothes (I was down to pajama pants ...still have them btw), to Tyler's resistance to a home birth. So it all feels a bit like deja vu.
But I have new clothes! Multiple clothes! That fit! yay!
Tuesday, September 11
for the record...
I'm still awake.
I have two big whiteboards on my wall near the kitchen. The top one for me, the bottom for the kids. I have a huge September calendar drawn on the top one. We can blame baby brain that I put 31 days in September. But it is also the day Hunter announced (with confidence) 'the baby is going to be born.' Tricky kid I think that covers the last day of September, first of October and the 31st of October. Way to get some mileage out of one guess! My mother has announced only the 22 or 23 of October work for her. (Psst, mom...maybe read back a bit about my ingrained inability to be compliant). Tyler is pulling for the 11th of October (10/11/12) or the 31st (Halloween). Maureen has called the 12th. I know this stuff means very little to people who are not me. The birthday matters but as far as guesses...I'm the only one with a vested interest.
I appreciate the calendar because it goes beyond two weeks. Usually i just put the next two weeks up there (be it an on shift or off shift). But having the extra weeks allows me to see the plane bringing Tyler home, which makes me feel better. Its all pictorial for the kids. Dance shoes each Monday, and apple for preschool and a school house for Hunter.
Hey! A friend was getting rid of some maternity clothes and I scooped them up today. Haven't had a chance to try them on but hopefully some of the pants fit. I'm out of almost all of my pants. I took Sage along to pick up the clothes and see how she reacted to the 2.5 month old baby. She was amazing. She sat down beside him and tickled him until he smiled, every time she leaned over his chair he grinned at her. She politely asked to hold the baby then sang to him as she held him. It blew me away I have seen so much attitude out of her lately. It was a nice reminder of her more gentle side. I hate to jinx it, but it seems like today was far better than the last few (plus sleeping through the night!). So hopefully we are past the worst of that tempest.
My group prenatal appointment is tomorrow but it's a 'bring your significant other' appointment. So Tyler and I will both be going. This could prove very interesting as Tyler is convinced we are having the baby at a hospital, and I am having the baby at home. Even today when asking if as a backup for the backup the neighbors could scoop Hunter from the bus stop if I was in labor...he said 'if we have already left'. And i sort of looked at him funny....where are we going? It's possible he will be at a hospital while I have the baby at home then we are both comfortable, right? Should prove to be an interesting meeting.
And....I get to have Japanese Village on Thursday night (yay!!) plus see Cavalia. I'd likely put those in a different order if i weren't pregnant. HA.
Ok...going to hopefully get some sleep.
s
I have two big whiteboards on my wall near the kitchen. The top one for me, the bottom for the kids. I have a huge September calendar drawn on the top one. We can blame baby brain that I put 31 days in September. But it is also the day Hunter announced (with confidence) 'the baby is going to be born.' Tricky kid I think that covers the last day of September, first of October and the 31st of October. Way to get some mileage out of one guess! My mother has announced only the 22 or 23 of October work for her. (Psst, mom...maybe read back a bit about my ingrained inability to be compliant). Tyler is pulling for the 11th of October (10/11/12) or the 31st (Halloween). Maureen has called the 12th. I know this stuff means very little to people who are not me. The birthday matters but as far as guesses...I'm the only one with a vested interest.
I appreciate the calendar because it goes beyond two weeks. Usually i just put the next two weeks up there (be it an on shift or off shift). But having the extra weeks allows me to see the plane bringing Tyler home, which makes me feel better. Its all pictorial for the kids. Dance shoes each Monday, and apple for preschool and a school house for Hunter.
Hey! A friend was getting rid of some maternity clothes and I scooped them up today. Haven't had a chance to try them on but hopefully some of the pants fit. I'm out of almost all of my pants. I took Sage along to pick up the clothes and see how she reacted to the 2.5 month old baby. She was amazing. She sat down beside him and tickled him until he smiled, every time she leaned over his chair he grinned at her. She politely asked to hold the baby then sang to him as she held him. It blew me away I have seen so much attitude out of her lately. It was a nice reminder of her more gentle side. I hate to jinx it, but it seems like today was far better than the last few (plus sleeping through the night!). So hopefully we are past the worst of that tempest.
My group prenatal appointment is tomorrow but it's a 'bring your significant other' appointment. So Tyler and I will both be going. This could prove very interesting as Tyler is convinced we are having the baby at a hospital, and I am having the baby at home. Even today when asking if as a backup for the backup the neighbors could scoop Hunter from the bus stop if I was in labor...he said 'if we have already left'. And i sort of looked at him funny....where are we going? It's possible he will be at a hospital while I have the baby at home then we are both comfortable, right? Should prove to be an interesting meeting.
And....I get to have Japanese Village on Thursday night (yay!!) plus see Cavalia. I'd likely put those in a different order if i weren't pregnant. HA.
Ok...going to hopefully get some sleep.
s
Goodbye 33 weeks.
Yeesh, That week wasn't fun.
Could have been all the back to school...stuff we had going on. But crap I'm happy to have my ap announce today being 34 weeks.
It's payday, Tyler books his flight back to Kamloops day, Hunter and Sage have school day.
I went to the grocery store yesterday after the kids were in bed, (needed lunch making supplies) and this very nice employee asked me how my day was going. I heaved a sigh so big she was a bit startled. The insomnia isn't fun. Anxiety? Normal? Anxiety? Normal? Last night I had everything done, was cleared for bed....got into bed and couldn't fall asleep. My body was too tired to get up, but my brain wouldn't slow down enough to allow sleep. I finally had a bath (but I'm so tired! I'm almost asleep) and it must have helped because I was eventally asleep. Sage slept through the night which was great (and a first in a couple days), the boys did as well, though I take that for granted now. THen awake twice in the night, for fun? and up for good at 5am.
I find it wildly frustrating that this sleep deprivation is completely baseless. No baby waking me up, no kids needing cuddles or consolation or to be tucked back in. Tyler isn't even snoring for goodness sake. I just cant' sleep. Which seems like a gross waste of time to me. I like sleep! Sleep is good! I WANT to sleep. I'll catch up in the post partum period : said no body ever.
Tyler flies out on Saturday morning, a departure (ha ha, like what i did there?) from his usual Monday night flight times. They are having some sort of open house, and want Tyler there to man the survey booth. Which means he is gone from 34 weeks 4 days until 36 weeks 6 days. Then Goose Hunting from 37 weeks till 37 weeks 5 days. Basically he is back home the day before Thanksgiving. Allow me now to be grateful that Hunter is taking the bus, yay bus!
Also: could not have survived the last week without Tyler here so I will keep the complaining, and hand wringing to a minimum about the next three weeks, well I'll try.
And I have plans upon plans for the birth. What if I go into labour while Hunter is at school? at soccer? Sage at school? What are we doing with Jasper? What if that person is busy? Who do i call then? Can someone pick them up from school? Who do i need to contact about that? What if it is in the middle of the night? Will they skip school the next day? Will I have an overnight bag packed for the kids? blah blah blah. Can't figure out why i can't sleep :)
Could have been all the back to school...stuff we had going on. But crap I'm happy to have my ap announce today being 34 weeks.
It's payday, Tyler books his flight back to Kamloops day, Hunter and Sage have school day.
I went to the grocery store yesterday after the kids were in bed, (needed lunch making supplies) and this very nice employee asked me how my day was going. I heaved a sigh so big she was a bit startled. The insomnia isn't fun. Anxiety? Normal? Anxiety? Normal? Last night I had everything done, was cleared for bed....got into bed and couldn't fall asleep. My body was too tired to get up, but my brain wouldn't slow down enough to allow sleep. I finally had a bath (but I'm so tired! I'm almost asleep) and it must have helped because I was eventally asleep. Sage slept through the night which was great (and a first in a couple days), the boys did as well, though I take that for granted now. THen awake twice in the night, for fun? and up for good at 5am.
I find it wildly frustrating that this sleep deprivation is completely baseless. No baby waking me up, no kids needing cuddles or consolation or to be tucked back in. Tyler isn't even snoring for goodness sake. I just cant' sleep. Which seems like a gross waste of time to me. I like sleep! Sleep is good! I WANT to sleep. I'll catch up in the post partum period : said no body ever.
Tyler flies out on Saturday morning, a departure (ha ha, like what i did there?) from his usual Monday night flight times. They are having some sort of open house, and want Tyler there to man the survey booth. Which means he is gone from 34 weeks 4 days until 36 weeks 6 days. Then Goose Hunting from 37 weeks till 37 weeks 5 days. Basically he is back home the day before Thanksgiving. Allow me now to be grateful that Hunter is taking the bus, yay bus!
Also: could not have survived the last week without Tyler here so I will keep the complaining, and hand wringing to a minimum about the next three weeks, well I'll try.
And I have plans upon plans for the birth. What if I go into labour while Hunter is at school? at soccer? Sage at school? What are we doing with Jasper? What if that person is busy? Who do i call then? Can someone pick them up from school? Who do i need to contact about that? What if it is in the middle of the night? Will they skip school the next day? Will I have an overnight bag packed for the kids? blah blah blah. Can't figure out why i can't sleep :)
Thursday, September 6
oh, small update...
About that Gender thing....I went to UCBaby because I couldn't believe it was really a boy.
Guess what? Its really a boy. Really, really. I'm pretty sure he spent 30 mins of our 60 min ultrasound waving his penis at the screen....do you see that mom? Is it in 3D? are we all on the same page now?
I left that other post sort of ....unconvinced, you may rest assured I am convinced. It is a boy, haz penis.
and chubby cheeks (the other ones!):
Guess what? Its really a boy. Really, really. I'm pretty sure he spent 30 mins of our 60 min ultrasound waving his penis at the screen....do you see that mom? Is it in 3D? are we all on the same page now?
I left that other post sort of ....unconvinced, you may rest assured I am convinced. It is a boy, haz penis.
and chubby cheeks (the other ones!):
Feel free to judge...
This week is tough! Like really tough.
Thank God and all other deities reading this....that Tyler is home.
Hunter is doing fabulous. Considering he is taking the bus for the first time (with transfer! transfer!) and on his fourth full day in a row. He is doing excellent. He is upbeat in good spirits and excited to get going each morning. The only shady spot is recess where he still hasn't cracked the who to play with puzzle so he is sitting alone (this kills me). He is predictably exhausted and evenings require an extra dose of patience on my part as he adjusts to his new schedule, in less patient moments he is belligerent, testing and refuses to do what is asked of him.
Sage is doing great. School is going well, she is excited to start dance again on Monday, and enjoying some days without Hunter constantly dragging attention away from her. She is also preparing for a new sibling by asking repeatedly to be treated like a newborn (swaddle me! rock me to sleep! hold me all the time!), and also look at me right now! MOM, right now! Oh and can you please play with me and ONLY me right now? and for the rest of the day? MOM? MOM! That being said she is very considerate and understand with all the things that i can't do (carry her, rock her, ect). Still. Oh and don't forget the I can't possibly walk another step (in from the car), or I'm too sleepy to go to the park (right after nap), or the special icing she saves for when its just her and I and we have been out to do something but are now heading back home. She whines, cries and complains, about everything.
Jasper is being a bit of a shit. OK...well....he is growing or teething or just reacting to the general upheaval happening around here, and also just hit that phase where BOLTING away from me is the most fun thing ever, oh and screaming when i try to change his diaper, or strap him into a car seat, or bring him in the house. or stop him from throwing hard things at his siblings. Its a phase, not helped by the stress and change in the house right now, and it will pass and settle as everything around him calms down.
It doesn't help that I have less energy, and ability to cope than i usually do. I am not physically able to chase/wrestle Jasper all the time. And my brain has now dedicated a large portion of itself to baby, so I am more easily overwhelmed by three simultaneous requests, or a jam packed calendar, or any of the behavior covered in the last three paragraphs.
I had a lady stop me at the transfer station the other day, while i was waiting for Hunter. She is one of those people you've run into but can't remember where you originally met or how you know her (or in this case her name or children's names/ages). She knew I had two, and the youngest was Sage. But asked if this was my third or fourth. Anyway she has three and her and her husband are considering a fourth. She asked me (this week!) what my thoughts were. My thought was this was a really shitty week to be asking me. (pregnancy insomnia, cramping and fatigue setting in). But over looking this week. I had to say....think really hard about it. I was (am) very very sure i wanted/ was suppose to have a fourth baby. If i didn't have that conviction to rest on I don't know what i would be doing. Because even with that conviction i still have many many days where I give my own head a shake and wonder what the hell i was thinking. Instead of (as with the other pregnancies) worrying about how i was going to balance the kids or meet all their needs. I think OH god, i've made a huge mistake, I can't handle this, is there a way out of this...can i change my mind? Which isn't something that ever crossed my mind with the other pregnancies.
Which means. I am done having babies (after this one). I may forget the fatigue, and physical discomforts that come along with being pregnant. I may almost immediately post partum have a rose coloured view of the entire pregnancy experience remembering only the wonderful parts and completely forgetting the insane crazy hard parts. But i have officially reached my limit. I know i will bounce back. I will get my brain back, and my body back and I know i can love/raise/enjoy four kids. But I cannot do another pregnancy, another round of not being here for the kids I have, another round of physical/emotional/energy dedicated to creating another child. Three kids, a move, transition into a new school/grade one, I'm not anywhere near the best version of me I can be as a parent, friend or human. And i dont' like feeling like this.
So....I will breath and as much as possible support my three kids through this transition, I will sleep and eat well and meditate to support this wonderful babes last few weeks of in utero growth. And i will with relief and joy welcome this baby (ANY TIME IN OCTOBER!) into our lives. I will be patient and kind with myself and those around me for the post partum period, and then...then I will start to get my feet back under me. I will start to feel like my usual capable self again. And I will get rid of the baby things once baby number four is done with them. When the times comes to get rid of them and I start to waiver or get teary...I will reread this post. Shannon. You have reached your limit. You are done. Move on.
and i might just get a puppy (JUST KIDDING!)
See i might be getting morbid and exhausted, but i haven't lost my sense of humor :)
S
Thank God and all other deities reading this....that Tyler is home.
Hunter is doing fabulous. Considering he is taking the bus for the first time (with transfer! transfer!) and on his fourth full day in a row. He is doing excellent. He is upbeat in good spirits and excited to get going each morning. The only shady spot is recess where he still hasn't cracked the who to play with puzzle so he is sitting alone (this kills me). He is predictably exhausted and evenings require an extra dose of patience on my part as he adjusts to his new schedule, in less patient moments he is belligerent, testing and refuses to do what is asked of him.
Sage is doing great. School is going well, she is excited to start dance again on Monday, and enjoying some days without Hunter constantly dragging attention away from her. She is also preparing for a new sibling by asking repeatedly to be treated like a newborn (swaddle me! rock me to sleep! hold me all the time!), and also look at me right now! MOM, right now! Oh and can you please play with me and ONLY me right now? and for the rest of the day? MOM? MOM! That being said she is very considerate and understand with all the things that i can't do (carry her, rock her, ect). Still. Oh and don't forget the I can't possibly walk another step (in from the car), or I'm too sleepy to go to the park (right after nap), or the special icing she saves for when its just her and I and we have been out to do something but are now heading back home. She whines, cries and complains, about everything.
Jasper is being a bit of a shit. OK...well....he is growing or teething or just reacting to the general upheaval happening around here, and also just hit that phase where BOLTING away from me is the most fun thing ever, oh and screaming when i try to change his diaper, or strap him into a car seat, or bring him in the house. or stop him from throwing hard things at his siblings. Its a phase, not helped by the stress and change in the house right now, and it will pass and settle as everything around him calms down.
It doesn't help that I have less energy, and ability to cope than i usually do. I am not physically able to chase/wrestle Jasper all the time. And my brain has now dedicated a large portion of itself to baby, so I am more easily overwhelmed by three simultaneous requests, or a jam packed calendar, or any of the behavior covered in the last three paragraphs.
I had a lady stop me at the transfer station the other day, while i was waiting for Hunter. She is one of those people you've run into but can't remember where you originally met or how you know her (or in this case her name or children's names/ages). She knew I had two, and the youngest was Sage. But asked if this was my third or fourth. Anyway she has three and her and her husband are considering a fourth. She asked me (this week!) what my thoughts were. My thought was this was a really shitty week to be asking me. (pregnancy insomnia, cramping and fatigue setting in). But over looking this week. I had to say....think really hard about it. I was (am) very very sure i wanted/ was suppose to have a fourth baby. If i didn't have that conviction to rest on I don't know what i would be doing. Because even with that conviction i still have many many days where I give my own head a shake and wonder what the hell i was thinking. Instead of (as with the other pregnancies) worrying about how i was going to balance the kids or meet all their needs. I think OH god, i've made a huge mistake, I can't handle this, is there a way out of this...can i change my mind? Which isn't something that ever crossed my mind with the other pregnancies.
Which means. I am done having babies (after this one). I may forget the fatigue, and physical discomforts that come along with being pregnant. I may almost immediately post partum have a rose coloured view of the entire pregnancy experience remembering only the wonderful parts and completely forgetting the insane crazy hard parts. But i have officially reached my limit. I know i will bounce back. I will get my brain back, and my body back and I know i can love/raise/enjoy four kids. But I cannot do another pregnancy, another round of not being here for the kids I have, another round of physical/emotional/energy dedicated to creating another child. Three kids, a move, transition into a new school/grade one, I'm not anywhere near the best version of me I can be as a parent, friend or human. And i dont' like feeling like this.
So....I will breath and as much as possible support my three kids through this transition, I will sleep and eat well and meditate to support this wonderful babes last few weeks of in utero growth. And i will with relief and joy welcome this baby (ANY TIME IN OCTOBER!) into our lives. I will be patient and kind with myself and those around me for the post partum period, and then...then I will start to get my feet back under me. I will start to feel like my usual capable self again. And I will get rid of the baby things once baby number four is done with them. When the times comes to get rid of them and I start to waiver or get teary...I will reread this post. Shannon. You have reached your limit. You are done. Move on.
and i might just get a puppy (JUST KIDDING!)
See i might be getting morbid and exhausted, but i haven't lost my sense of humor :)
S
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