Thursday, October 30

I did it!

Holy Crap! I really did it.

A few years ago (2?) I set an unofficial goal for myself. To be centered and balanced in a way that Tyler's loose canon tendencies didn't rock me. That I would sail on despite any unexpected storms.

And today I did it.

We have an extremely busy weekend. Not only is it Halloween (remember 4 kids around here) which entails class parties (snacks!), pumpkin carving, treat gathering, ect. But  its also my nieces Birthday, and I'm hosting dinner for 12. I have two appointments, blah blah blah...busy. I was really hoping for Tyler's help. Last night he arrived home, assured that he would be off for the next 4 days. Excellent! 'Tyler is home' plan enacted. Everything instantly becomes ...easier, more space to breath. Then after organizing the next four days...at 9:30 he gets a text from work. Please go to this site, four hours away, we *promise* you'll be home in time to trick or treat. Needless to say them *promising* means less than nothing to me now.

I took a breath. I started shifting things in my head. I cried a little because this just generally sucks (for him as well). BUT instead of pit of panic and upset. Inside there was...just the knowledge that I GOT THIS. Yeah it will be more difficult. But at the end of the day. I can do this. I can make this work.

So Instead of frantically prepping dinner, and doing the work I had set out for both Tyler and I to do. I'm taking a tiny moment to celebrate the inner strength and confidence I've developed. The ways I've grown strong over the last two years. And the incredible knowledge that whatever Tyler does or doesn't do...I can handle it.

Rock on Me, You are Awesome.


Tuesday, October 21

and...breathe..

That's the bitch of yoga, and introspection. OH! that huge thing sitting in my chest, that thing we dislodged through heart openers and massage and stretching? Oh that's not just a little thing? CRAP. Ok. So sit with it and figure out what it needs and what it wants and how to let it go. Then the big let go...in this case it was a let it go to someone else. Which is never fun. But i did it. I wrote a very difficult email and sent it and god damn it, i feel lighter. I was able to make some other decisions that i didn't even realize were linked. I feel about 10lbs lighter. And not in a slow burn don't notice it coming off way. In a instant relief, put down that shit down sort of way.

So?

do it. its scary and worrisome and 'what if's' will attack. But send the email anyway. Make the call anyway. Shift it anyway. You don't need it, you'll be happy you did.

it feels like dawn here.

Thursday, October 9

about peace

and faith, and belief and spirituality. But not about religion.

Honestly my 'faith journey' to this point has been a bit...erratic. From an outside view I'm sure it looks disjointed and disloyal? inconsistent? At least that's what the judgmental self talk tells me.

I was raised in a vaguely christian home...prayer before meals, and bed. Christmas meant Santa and Easter was all about the chocolate and the bunny. It was a deliciously freeing way to be raised. No hard and fast rules meant no structure to fight against or doggedly cling to. I was genuinely free to discover the faith that I wanted, or to not.

So I did, slowly and over time. I worked very hard to make the Catholic faith fit. My extended family is catholic as is my husband. I went the the initiation course argued like hell every night trying to find a way to make it fit, to bend my feelings into the same shape. And in a lot of ways I was successful, I learned a lot, met some amazing people. and just decided to let those areas that didn't fit sit quiet...'to allow faith to work on them.' I don't regret my time at the church.

Then Hunter was born and all those ways that didn't fit...got bigger, or louder. They started cracking open. Then Sage came and well...exploded the structure. Because during the ppd, everything sort of faded and was fuzzy. I couldn't force the things i used to, and attending mass was one of them. So I didn't. I considered trying other christian churches, and went to a moms group out of an Alliance church. But it still didn't fit, like a sweater just a bit to small in the shoulders.  Then I found myself at at meditation class, and it was like nothing else. Silence descended, peace invaded and when I heard the singing bowl I cried. Because I had found this tiny peace of what felt like home.  And that's been my journey since then...tracking down and collecting those tiny bits of home, those things that resonate with me, that make my soul spark. I misread things sometimes and get caught up in areas that I end up back out of, but I'm OK with that, Sometimes i need to track things for awhile before decided if it fits, if its worth keeping.

And lately? Lately I'm drawing into my body. Concentrating on giving it the space to be...its been years and years of having another either within me or nursing from me. So now its time to look after it. The running and moving, it makes me feel alive, in a way i had forgotten. And I've given into Yoga. I've had years of resistance, because i didn't realize that it doesn't need to be spiritual for everyone, even for the person on the mat next to me or the person leading the class. All that matters is what is happening on my mat, and right now that is my temple.

I hold circle, usually alone but sometimes with others. I talk to the Moon and watch her change every night. I listen to the trees and the wind and my own body's knowledge. I miss the ocean every single day. I talk to spirit.  I think its probably relevant if Mercury is going forwards or backwards, especially if its a full moon. I like to collect rocks and feathers or stuff that holds an interesting vibration. I think the spirit world is as much present in this life as the mundane is.

Someone asked me the other day if I was a Witch. And i had to think about it. Because that word has such a charge, such a societal heaviness. But once I separated the prejudice and misinformation from the actual meaning I was enchanted: its rather beautiful and perfect. So yes...

I'm a witch.

Monday, October 6

can we blame mercury?

Ugh.

The last few days have been ...weird.

I'm super frustrated and want to change everything! now! Just DO things. Immediately!
And little things are setting  me off. I haven't been running lately, between Tyler hunting and sick kids and family out of town and then me sick. It just had to be delayed. BUT! Today was my make up day. I spent much time planning the route in an effort to escape the craziness. My youngest threw up last night and i thought I'd be delayed again, but he bounced and so there I was ready to break a distance record. Hydrated, childcare in place. Time, precious, precious time. And it started well, except my phone was only at 39% which wouldn't get me all the way through. but that didn't matter, I was going to run it and that felt good. Made it to km 2, and my knee started acting up, then at the 3km mark my right calf cramped up*. As i was doing the walk of shame back to my car I realized this has happened before. The knee pain, the cramping, all of my toes were numb and the sole of my left foot was a mess....the new shoes! OH! i was mad, so mad. I walked a shortcut back to the van plotting ways to destroy those shoes (ended up giving them to my sister).

*let me say....my knees/hips always used to act up...swimming irritated them. But all month i've been pushing them with no pain! no irritation! This is excellent and very exciting, except when it isn't because they were.

And this is really a minor thing. Dude you bought the wrong shoes, you will go buy new shoes ones that fit and life will once again be great. I still got 3km in this morning, and that's way better than nothing.

If this were a normal day.

instead this is super irritable day and I was super angry about it. I angry googled shoes to support pronation, Then stormed into SportCheck with my list. I was getting new shoes NOW! Found a really great pair, they felt good, fit well (not that those stupid Nike's didn't feel good when i got them as well). They also happened to be one of the only pairs not on sale and retailed at $200. THe hell? Its pay day tomorrow. I can wait, it can wait.

But i still can't unwind this ball of angry energy in my chest. And i stayed up late to scrub the floor, because i choose to. And and and. And something is going on because....I"m a bit of a mess over here!

ANd this is an awesome week! short week for the kids, full moon ceremony with my witch-sister, Tyler is home and off for the weekend. I get to pickup my ROADBIKE!!! on thursday. (I would be super gushing about that but see this irritability grouchy/pessimism has be waiting until its in my hot little hands before getting too excited.) By all accounts I should be either neutral (which is pretty great) or super excellent excited because this week is super excellent excited.

unless:
hmmmmmmm. Are you a woman? yes? Is your pms consistent? length, severity, duration? Because i seem to have two cycles, which in turn seem to link to the moon. Dark Moon pms is all...pretty much nothing. Full Moon Pms is super BIG and INTENSE and AWFUL! (sorry I know I'm suppose to use positive works but look at me: I"m a mess). Period tracker says I"m suppose to be 8 days out...so its possible. and FULL moon on Wednesday. HMMM.  time shall tell.

Seriously though: do you find you have different experiences of PMS? Do you have a consistent cycle? Ever checked how it lines up with the  moon? Not a woman? well...sorry about that...it rocks. :)

Tuesday, September 30

Running.

I had no idea. I'm so sorry to those who I mocked, and analyzed for their seemingly crazy habit. I get it now. I despised all things running in school. I would tolerate a short sprint but that was it. I remember thinking my friend, who ran the 400m and 600m races was out of her mind! SO far to run.

Now I get it. Running is an escape, an indulgence, a joy. This from an entire month of experience.

I have yet to go for a run I didn't enjoy...just the sheer pleasure of being blessedly alone, so much quiet...after a while even my brain stops talking...and its just breath, breath move your feet. Sometimes i run with  music and sometimes I don't. But oh! to take those first steps into peace. This is also my slow week so I maybe we waxing poetic out of nostalgia.

ok enough stalling, two loads of laundry are waiting..instead of running shoes :(

s

Tuesday, September 23

forward we go

Happy New Moon, Happy Mabon.

I was born precisely on the New Moon, that combined with all the water in my natal chart. I have no fear of dark depths. Now put me up high and we've got a different story...but deep down? Thats home for me. I adore the full moon its mesmerizing....but the New Moon? thats my secret love.

I have not attended a Mabon celebration. Until about a month ago I hadn't the slightest idea what was behind the holiday. Now I've written out an entire ceremony. A friend was hosting a Fall equinox celebration this year, so I choose to sit on my plans. Maybe next year?

I hope you have a restful night.
S

Saturday, September 20

Like Gravity.

Thursday May 5, 2005. 
That was the day I started this blog. 
Thats 9 years, two degrees, one dog, four kids. 
It feels like a lifetime ago.
I reread the posts and...I don't remember being that person. Or sometimes I'd rather not remember being that person. So I start a new blog, a different blog. One where I can be who I am now, authentically without the albatross of the past hanging around. 

But. I keep being pulled back here. So here I am, again.

a little bit older, a lot more self aware, and much, much more comfortable in my skin.

I'm a bit scattered right now. I'm still working out what it means to not be pregnant or nursing or have a tiny baby. I'm crafting, I'm doing spirit stuff, metaphysical stuff. I'm talking to the moon and the ravens. I'm allowing my body the freedom to be strong, and flexible and fit, because that's a luxury I have now...now that my body is my own again. 

I'm registered to participate in both and Olympic length triathlon (swim: 1.5km bike: 40km run: 10km) and a half marathon next summer (21km). 

I have these amazing friends women who inspire, support, and encourage me. I talk to spirit now ghosts, ancestors, guides, angels...whom ever wants to chat. It can be pretty powerful, and sometimes its just pretty frustrating.  

I have about six tattoo's I want to get, but since I've already given up 8 weeks of pool training time (oh! I got my nose pierced!...still healing) I'm going to wait until after the races next summer. 

I feel pulled to fill in the time, to draw lines from where i was to where I am. But, evidently, thats not an easy thing to do.  So this disjointed post is what it is. A partial fill in, a step between versions of me.

s

To see clearly...

Tonight a friend of mine shared a beautiful vision she is bringing life. She was so...authentic and vulnerable and passionate and clear, while she spoke. I felt excited because, (oh! Its going to be amazing) and sad. Sad because I lacked that vision for myself. As I wrestled with how I could be part of her visions, what talents do i have to offer? What skills could i cultivate, how could i work myself into the picture. I realized my time would be better spent creating my own vision. Unfortunately its simple, but not straightforward.

I want to hold space. I want to be clear and helpful. I want to create an environment where people are willing to let go, to break a little, to voices their deepest darkest parts. and I'd like to be able to support them through that. To honor them in that moment, and to be a mirror so that even when facing their demons they can see their strength, and beauty.  I want to help remind people how important ceremony is. How we've let those mini celebrations go, but those traditions are what ground us....they root our transitions, allow us to move forward through change, to create a finite line in time. They provide comfort in times of chaos.

I've had this vision of a place, a wall of loose tea. Cabinets of herbs, crystals and oils. A collection of things that hold vibrations. Purple sun catcher, drying racks. A fire place and two perfect chairs. Come and sit, let me mix you some tea. Lets chat.

And the pieces within me are uniting. I've been chasing a phantom of an idea a 'medium ship internship' because its something i can do, so isn't it something i should do? Isn't that my platform? My jumping off place? Except it isn't because while its an important part of me, its not the end vision. I don't want to be defined as 'a reader'. It will always be a part of me but its not the headliner on my business card.

Since October, and Rowans 1st birthday, I've allowed myself the indulgence of free exploration. What speaks to me? What am i passionate about? What feeds my soul? When do I feel source move through me? When do I feel stuck and when do i feel disinterested?

I'm passionate about plants, herbs, trees. I was blessed to find a mentor who taught me to talk to those things, no...she's better than that. She didn't teach me she reminded me of what i already knew. I can't describe the resonance i feel when working with plants and herbs. Its serene but electric. I love to create especially things out of nature. Dreamcatchers harvesting and bending the wood for the hoop, collecting the 'decorations' that set the tone. Bringing it all together and having it all the pieces resonate in harmony.

But where does that leave me? The business card is still empty. She has a sweet space and i feel better when we talk. I need it to be grounded. Something physical, and concrete.

guess i should go do my homework :)

(maybe im sitting on a barely started wholistic nutrition course, that would be a prefect segue, and naturally be followed up by herbology. Ahhh...universe you always have my back.)

Sunday, May 11

the question...

Well, I didn't mean to get morose with that last post. I don't think many people enjoy vulnerability, its certainly not a comfortable spot for me to be in. But I find these things can be relentless. Start running, and refuse to turn in...and you'll be running forever. If not running then numbing, pick your poison. Alcohol, Drugs, education, advancement, money, things. Allow something (or all the things) to become such a focal point that all else fades away, even the demons. Seems like a great plan. Except it is the opposite of my plan. I want to turn in, (sometimes I run for a bit) I want to face it, because it is never as scary as it seems. And once faced, moving through it is ...well....its less than facing it.  Of course I forget all of this and push back and turn and do my own little coping dance...but there is a point, before the glass of wine, before I pull in the external distractions that I recognise my own dance, and then I turn in.

This was me turning in. So I determine my self worth based on having someone depend on me. I feel like I need to be needed to count. I don't think I'm the first to adopt that thought process, and I doubt I'll be the last. Now that the 'hard' work is done the question sits:

 what do i want to do about it?


Friday, May 9

**edited: So sorry I was in a rush and didn't site where these lovely motivating words came from The blue passage below was part of an email I recieved from The Brave Girls Club. **

So many times we know the right things to do, the right things to say, the better ways to respond, the best ways to go; yet we keep doing the opposite things. This then starts a cycle of shame, and makes all of the things that we wanted LESS of in our lives somehow grow even BIGGER.

What if we were to sit with our fears or the things we detest or the things we keep procrastinating or the things we wish we could change about ourselves. What if instead of wasting so much time RUNNING from those things, hiding from those things and feeling ashamed of those things. What if we sat with those things and really listened to what they had to say to us?

There are experiences, situations, weaknesses and frailties that are huge parts of our personal story. Sometimes we don't give those things a chance to write their chapter in our book of life because we are working so hard on erasing those chapters. Sometimes in order to help the chapter END, we have to sit with it and listen to it -- let it tell it's story. Then, when it's done saying all it has to say, it doesn't follow us around so much trying to take over our lives. It has finally been heard.

Perhaps this weekend, dear girl, it would be a good time to lend an ear to some of the craziness that keeps showing back up in your life. Get a journal and sit down and ask it what it wants you to know. Write and write and write. Your story is an amazing, heroic story, one that deserves to be told, especially to your OWN self. Be the heroine of your story and be your story's greatest fan, too. It will change your life, lovely friend.

You are beautiful and the world would not be the same without you.

You are LOVED.


Ok. then

Here is what I'm running from. Its not new. I'm trying to erase the feelings of uselessness of unimportance that surface when I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding. I dress it nicely by saying...i felt so 'fulfilled' when i was doing that...sometimes I'll even use 'soul work'. There are grains of truth in those words but underlying those things is a deep fear that I'm not longer needed, no longer relevant. Because 'for the first year' sometimes means 'while I was breastfeeding' and I'm needed because ... they are my boobs. The fact that formula is an option, or that other people are also breastfeeding doesn't enter my realm.

But now? Now they are all One. And I'm faced with the fact that they don't' need me. They need a chauffeur, a maid a short order cook, they need lots of things, things that I can (and do) do. But things I know other people can do. No, it wouldn't be the same and maybe my parenting style or personality is well suited to parent these children. But at the end of the day...I am faced with the fact (one that was always true) that they love me and want me, but they most certainly don't need me.  Which rationally speaking is awesome. But emotionally it opens this raw space that says ... nobody needs me anymore.

And sitting with that, is uncomfortable for me. Good. because sitting with it will allow me to breath into it, and learn from it. It will make me healthier and more balanced in the long run. But since it has been surfacing on its own, and the above message prompted me...I guess now is the time to sit with it.

-ahh...chauffeur duty calls. Time to get Jasper from preschool and drop off Timbits for the birthday boy.

Wednesday, May 7

Can't stop me now...

I'm a little listless tonight. Wish there was some tv on to distract me.
I've been playing with wire. Rings, and Letters and pendants. I really love it. I'm fairly good at it, I can complete a (small) project fairly quickly, and its all just sitting there, waiting to be bend into something else. An entire spool of potential. The only drawback is that I don't want to make stuff just to sit here. If it has a home, somewhere to get it out of my house. I'd feel even better. But as it stands I'm enjoying myself and people like them! Weird! So if you have any wire projects...I'd even try barbed wire...let me know, Please!





Monday, April 28

Crafty, see

Considering I went from zero to this, i'm quite pleased with myself. But mostly it's a lot of fun, and a moment to focus on one task, one item.... And then have something to show for it. :)



Saturday, April 26

Of Facebook and Crafts

I'm off Facebook. No grand declarations of permanency or timelines. Just had enough. The measles/ vaccine thing is eating at me. Its everywhere, all the time. Plus I've been using it as a crutch, a contact with the outside world, a distraction from that chaos that tends to circle me. I respect that it was helping for a time, and man I've met some extraordinary people on Facebook. But I wasn't handling it well. Checking, checking, checking. Way more than i care to admit or even really acknowledge. Yesterday after the fifth vaccine debate erupted in two days. I deleted the app from my phone.

Holy Hell, all day yesterday I'd pick up my phone...to check Facebook. Then realise what i was doing, and put it back down. Sometimes not finding the icon on my main page is what woke me up. I'm thrilled to say today is much better. I feel much more peaceful. While i catch myself wondering if i have any messages or if anything terribly exciting happens I also realised I don't really care about most of those people. I wish them well, and hope they are happy. But if I haven't talked to you in 15 years, I guess I don't really care what your kids birthday cake looked like.

I'm going back on tonight, to get some emails from people I do want to stay in touch with and to write down some events I want to go to, and edit some that I'm hosting. But until I can be sure that it won't consume me again, I'm off.

Also: i'm a pretty sensitive person having those rescue dogs, or pedophile alert messages doesn't do me any good. Information is good, but a constant stream of sad pictures and scary stories isn't something I need.

In other news I'm suddenly crafty. Weird, I know!  I was seized by the desire to create! Create Things! (Things that are not babies, fyi). And so I started sewing, which meant i had to learn how to use the sewing machine. I've made pouches for rocks and rice bags. I'm planning a pillowcase deal, its on the perpetual list. Then a friend of mine suggested making wands, which was a spectacular idea and while fumbling my way through one...I discovered I liked working with wire...so now I'm wire wrapping stuff. I'm sure 6 months from now I'll figure out my niche, but for now I'm having a lot of fun exploring. Scrapbooking is out, in case you were wondering. Although paper making sounds like fun.

I said to my mom; "This is so weird! Im not very good with crafts/art" and she gently pointed out, I've probably never given it a chance. (Except scrapbooking ironically). The first six years out of high school I was in (and out and in) university and working and swimming. Then 8 years of babies and nursing...maybe she is right. Well I'm going full bore now. I'll post some pictures later

Thursday, March 6

Friends.

Very Quickly, because it is VERY Late/Early.

Having friends is nice.

I've had friends before. But it was always so much work/frustrating. Not all the time or with everyone but yeah. We didn't connect, or I was a tiny bit embarrassed, or we had wildly different needs/expectations. Or (sadly) I just didn't like them, but fake liking them was better than having nobody so I stuck it out.

Maybe I should say I haven't been a really good friend before?

Anyway in October this group came together, and its been amazing. I don't resonate perfectly with everyone. There are differences of opinion and expectations and feelings. BUT holy crap there are 6 or 7 woman who i could spent indefinite amounts of time with, and love every frickin minute. Yes they challenge me, but they pick me up, and support me and I get to do that for them, and its an HONOR. Truly. Its been and continues to be an honor.

I didn't dream of this, of this many amazing inspiring like minded women who truly want to uplift those around them. I'm pretty sure united we could do anything. And I'm just so damn blessed to be a part of it. Tonight. I had a few of them over and we sat until midnight drinking wine, pulling cards and just chatting. At one point i went to the kitchen to get more dessert and realised....this is it. This is exactly what I would have asked for if I had dreamed it could exist.

Immense Gratitude.

Good Friends are Awesome.

Tuesday, March 4

Act 1

"phoooooooo" she softly blew the dust off her blog. Creak, creak as she types the first few words. So foreign yet so familiar.

This is my present to myself. In 23 mins I turn 33 years old (NOT 34 which I've been saying for six months, oops), my present is blogging with I miss terribly but have put at the bottom of the priority list. Coincidentally my birthday and Ash Wednesday are the same day this year...and 40acts...(link to follow) popped up on my FB feed. Act 1 was start a journal. Ok Universe, I'm listening.

I'd love to catch up and fill in the major blanks from the last...two? three years. But its already near midnight and I need some sleep. So lets do the bare minimum.

A gratitude list, Things I am thankful for today:
Tyler he has been home for a long time now and he is amazing both for me and the kids.
Hunter who embodys compassion and thoughtfulness
Sage who sprinkles magic dust where ever she goes
Mercurial Jasper, one minute has me in stitches and the next hes having a fit
Rowan who's hugs could melt a frozen heart.
My babysitters who flew in at the last min to save my evening
Great happy music to dance to
My sister who bought me a fabulous present (Hamsa Shirt, Lucky Necklace and Dark Chocolate), she came downtown to have a birthday dinner with me!
My mom. Who paid for dinner, took me to the hockey game and gave me a present!
It has been a long time since I had dinner with those two and the company was the best part.

OK.

Gratitude list done...

Act 2 tomorrow!

Night.


Tuesday, January 7

Thursday, October 24

Here we are!

The first years of my babies lives are unparalleled. It simultaneously takes forever and is gone in a blink. I am standing at the final precipice of his first year. Its over tomorrow at 9:10pm. Then he is One, and no longer my baby. They will all always be my babies, I know that, but there is just something different once that exact moment ticks by on the clock. I will never be this close to that moment again. It will never be so close to my grasp, while being so obviously far away.

From this moment, and truly every moment he has been here he is defining himself as himself. As separate and unique and delightful. That is how it should be, how it is meant to be. I love learning who my children are and what they think. It a wonderful unveiling. But. Because he is my last, this is harder.

A million coping strategies flew through my mind today; i considered cancelling the party (I am sick), I refused to get out of bed (made the oldest two an hour late for school). I wanted to eat all the wheat, and sugar and chocolate. I considered a nice glass of wine at 11am. I desperately wanted to go for a run. Anything to dull or numb the feelings. Anything to escape.

But instead (and evidence of my growth) I stood in my kitchen and felt it. I refused to run and finally turned into it. Let it be. I cried into a tiny sleeper. I wept by his crib. I got choked up when i read a story about a nursing mom. And then it was ok. Well and then I talked to my sister, who made me write out a to do list, to my friend who reminded me that great adventure lies ahead, to my Mom who even as i dialed reminded me that kids never really stop needing their moms.

I haven't braved the birth or newborn pictures. I also haven't cleaned the house. So don't take this as a complete success. Although I'm doing far better at letting go than any other time in my life. So I'm proud of myself.

In fact this needs to be said. At 32 and a half, I really like who I am. I'm damn strong. I stood up during labour...during transition. I caught Rowan as he was born, in a tub, in my bedroom. I did something I didn't believe i was capable of. He has given me an amazing gift, and idea of myself that I had never considered. I am worthy and capable and magnificent, and without his birth experience, I don't know if I would have gotten here.

It doesn't exist in a vacuum, Hunter's birth taught me that i was as strong and capable as I thought I might be. Sage ripped me wide open and forced me to find my comfort zone to push back against what wasn't me, and to be open to change and mystery and magic. Jasper taught me that I was the only thing holding me back. Limitation were of my own creation. Then Rowan blew the top off my self image and revealed a new idea of myself, greater, more giving, more balanced and just really really cool.

Part of my reluctance to step ahead into the future is that I can't see myself teaching full time. I have a degree waiting to be used, but I have many friends and relatives who teach, and my god it eats at their soul. I believe it is the hardest paid job on the planet. Because what they give up is so great. a few are finding balance...after 5 years on the job. But I like to completely absorb myself in what I'm doing and I have yet to see someone successfully do both and be happy, until they have many years under their belt. And those first years are just ugly.

But we don't get to see the whole path before we step, so with a Kleenex clutched firmly in hand...I'll take those first steps down a mostly foggy path, it starts with a birthday party.

Happy Birthday Rowan William Scott (16 mins early). You've changed my life in the most amazing unexpected way. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat You are an incredible blessing and I am so thankful you are my son.

.

 Ps...I'm real glad your head isn't that shape anymore.





Monday, September 23

Head nodding...

Ever found yourself straining to keep your eyes open on the road? Maybe head bobbing. And you think "Holy shit! I'm tired, I shouldn't be driving".

Well....i'm tired and overwhelmed and probably shouldn't be parenting. Its not full on driving off the road, but i'm definitely having some loooong blinks around here. Making decision I generally wouldn't, forgetting things that I never would. Today i ran upstairs to fix something with the tv, and then sat down and flipped through national geographic's 30 best animal picts of the year, twice. I had left Jasper mixing the banana bread. The whole time. There was no egg in the mix but I had totally forgot! While meandering back downstairs I actually thought ...what's Jasper doing right now? Where is he? Then came around the corner and it all rushed back...holy shit! I am constantly monitoring what each kid is doing...hyper vigilant...and here I had totally dropped the ball. And i know why, and its OK. But it tells me how far I am from optimal functioning.

After last night I decided that passively waiting for a reaction isn't cool so I took the plunge and started tackling my 'foods that might be a problem for Rowan' list. (Eggs, Chocolate, Corn, Pork, Strawberries, Raspberries, Peach, Cucumber, Goats milk, Dairy, non-peanut nuts, lentils, parsnips) I had the other three kids dressed in case we needed to go to the hospital, and the epipen ready and out of its case. I fried (without oil or butter or anything) an organic egg. And diced it, kicked the other kids out of the kitchen and fed it to him. he ate half then I cut him off. Some small hives on his chin appeared, then between his nose and mouth (where the egg had touched). I was hoping that would be the worst of it...then maybe 7-10mins after he ate it....his face just exploded. At one point there were 40 hives and his eyes were swollen shut.

And it bugs him, so he wants to cuddle into me or thrash away. he doesn't want to sit still and let me obsessively watch his breathing. Which is what i had to do. I HAD TO SIT AND WATCH TO MAKE SURE HE KEPT BREATHING. And there is no way for me to describe that feeling. Its just awful. You can't do anything but sit and watch and hope.  Phone in one hand, epipen in the other, wondering if and when and what will it look like and is that wheezing? or is he just congested? Will I know when? And knowing that I did this...I gave him the egg, even though i suspected it would be a problem.

It sucks.

I didn't move far enough out of the way when I closed the Van tailgate tonight. I slammed it into my temple. I have a goose egg.

Hunter had the stomach flu. .... this is an afterthought. He slept 13 hours last night, and I clean diarrhea up off the floor twice today. But in the face of Eggs and Hives! Stomach flu becomes a post script.

And i'm not asking for Vegas or a Beach....a few hours of silence and sleep would be a real treat right now.


Sunday, September 22

yet more hives

Baby food. Baby food. A jar of mixed vegetables, good for 6 months and up! I have been making Rowans food, or buying him those bags of food. But we were out of those things and i just grabbed the jar in the cupboard. Because it was mixed veggies! And he was hungry. If you haven't already guessed. HIVES! HIVES from baby food. (water, carrots, potatoes, parsnips, yellow split peas, lentils). Because Soy, Peanuts, and Garbanzo Beans have all caused a reaction I'm thinking the Lentils or peas are the culprit here. But I'll try parsnips this week when my cortisol levels drop and see how it goes.

I'm so freaking calm when the hives start...I"m all....strip the kid, put him in the tub fresh water rinse...wash incase its a topical reaction. Immediately review foods. Don't panic, stay calm. Watch hives make sure they peak and stop spreading. Record how bad it was, try to get a picture, try to match it with a new food. Is this a first reaction? a second exposure? How does it rank compared to his other reactions? Is there a pattern? figure it out, Figure It Out, FIGURE IT OUT! There is an answer I should be able to see it!

But i'm super calm on the outside.

Then when its all said and done...and everything is fine my system crashes. and then i get the shakes and panic and freak out. But! I'm calm when it happens. Thank god for cortisol I guess.

Actually thank god for Jasper he gently eased me into the idea of food allergies...with the eggs wheat dairy deal...then nicely grew out of them. Ive spent the last two and a half years modifying what we are eating i some way shape or form. Otherwise...I don't' know how i would be handling this.

Wednesday, September 18

Do you think its heavy.

ugh I'm sick of cleaning my glasses.

but things keep setting me off. The 'mothers milk' tea in the tea cupboard. Even the pain of engorgement. The two newborns at Sage's Sparks meeting. The idea of Rowan rooting, the song I sing him to sleep with. My nursing tops. Rowan crying.

These things, these things. These things crawl behind my stoic wall of not crying. Of being one of those strong people who don't get emotional over everything. They sneak in and I'm a pitiful ball on the floor. and I'm sitting here writing trying to get it out of me down onto paper or screen so that its not all whirling inside me like a toilet. Waiting, tamped down waiting for a crack.

If anyone had breathed a word 'maybe its time' 'you'll have to do it sometime' anything i could construe as an insinuation that i should wean. I wouldnt' be doing this. Any feather light push in that direction, real or imagined. And i would have fought back, held on, screw you.

But it was my decision. He doesn't need this any more. I need it. But he doesn't. Its been almost 24 hours and not once has he rooted, or looked to latch. He has laid on my breast, used it as a pillow and had the opportunity to latch. But he didn't.
thank god. This is hard enough.

le derniere fois.

the last time I'll be engorged. The last time I'll breastfeed. The last time he's all mine. The last time I'm needed.

I know.

I knew this was coming. That's why now. I'm never going to be OK with weaning. Give me 2 months or 2 years. I'll feel awkward but I don't think I'll be OK with weaning.

How selfish. How self centered. Its been a gift. Four gifts. I've been able to breastfeed for well over three years. Something i didn't even know i wanted. Seriously after Hunter was born the midwife suggested I try feeding him and i was dumbfounded...I hadn't planned on that.

Bleeding Nipples, cramps as bad as contractions, cluster feeds. Not keeping a shirt on, nursing a long baby on an airplane. Babies too congested to nurse. Rowan snorting and rooting like a baby pig. we called him TrufflePig. No periods! Not even to the very end. No periods the entire time i nursed. Food restrictions real or created. I've got magic boobs. My babies gained weight quickly, were very healthy. Moved through the meconium quick and were never hungry. I've soothed them when hurt, hungry, and over tired. The balm of Gilead and it was effortless. Watching those tiny heads grow big, their weight heavy on my lap. growing teeth...getting bitten! (not often) I've nursed on countless flights, in hotel rooms. In cars, tent and our trailer. I've nursed in malls, restaurants, and arenas. At the dinner table and hiding in the living room. I've watched hours and hours of tv while nursing, then pintrest. I've nursed one handed, while cooking and while sleeping through the night. Ive danced and entertained and sat in the dark just me and the babe. I've pumped, milk turned blue, red and green from food.

laughing budda grins at me from the other screen. heres hoping he knows something I don't.